


The Doctor

by red_camellia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Crime Fighting, Day 7: Free Day, Fluff, Getting Together, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Heavy Angst, M/M, Murder Mystery, Pining, Romance, SakuAtsu, Slow Burn, just to clarify murder victims are OCs, minimal smut scenes, strangulation is mentioned as cause of death, this is also a love story, violence is described minimally in case discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:29:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_camellia/pseuds/red_camellia
Summary: Rising star detective Miya Atsumu lands a case of national importance: catching a serial killer, named 'The Doctor'. In order to build a case against their suspect, Sakusa Kiyoomi, Atsumu goes undercover and moves into the flat next to their suspect. But Sakusa Kiyoomi is very different from what Atsumu expected him to be and soon growing feelings complicate his investigation and his judgement.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 82
Kudos: 380
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	1. Stakeout

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify, there is generally NO graphic description of violence, though of course, this story is about catching a serial killer, murder will be talked about in certain chapters.  
> Murder victims are OCs.  
> While this is basically crime fiction it is also a love story...
> 
> Trigger warning for Chapter 1: Strangulation is mentioned

“Good Morning!”

Atsumu was greeted by Hinata waving and smiling at him. “Morning”, Atsumu called back and dropped his bag onto the floor. It was no good morning after all. Atsumu hadn’t gotten used to living in Tokyo yet, he constantly got lost in the maze of the metro stations. All larger stations were absurdly structured and seemed to be a world of their own. Once you’re in there, there was no escaping. Wakatoshi gave him a stern look from his desk but Atsumu was well aware that he was late. “Something big is going down. Like… huge!” Hinata said and leaned against Atsumu’s messy desk. “Now that everyone is here, briefing room”, Wakatoshi called.

Hinata was right. This had to be big, their briefing room was full, it wasn’t just their squad.

Atsumu recognised an old colleague of his when he had still been a detective in Hyogo. They nodded at each other.

Silence fell when Superintendent Meian Shugo entered the room.

“Thanks for coming today”, he opened the briefing. He pointed behind himself on a map of Japan with tiny red dots showing a line that winded itself like a snake all over the country.

“Since this is a case of national importance, we are joined by the top detectives of the affected prefectures for an exchange of information”, Meian continued.

“Two days ago we have gotten a new lead on ‘The Doctor’”, Meian said. Atsumu sat up abruptly. The doctor? How did they land this massive case?

Wakatoshi had gotten up to run a recap on the situation.

“’The doctor’ has left a trail of bodies from Kagoshima up to Sendai. The victims seem to be selected at random, anything in common so far has proven to be coincidence. He manages to lure them off the streets somewhere, where the crime is not captured on any security camera. He strangles his victims with some sort of smooth object that leaves no fibre, most likely a cord or cable. He washes the victims bodies and then plants them in clean tarpaulins. The victims all show signs that they have struggled against their predator but we could not find any DNA or fabric under the victim’s fingernails. He works with utmost care. Our profiler has suggested that ‘The doctor’ has an urge to kill but once he achieves his goal, he seems almost repulsed by his deed and washes himself clean of it. Due to these circumstance, we have never had a crime scene or any further hint at the actual murderer. The one description of the culprit has proven to be unhelpful and only resulted in his nickname ‘the Doctor’, which… the media has given him. One witness saw a suspicious figure near the third crime scene. She described him as wearing a mask, gloves and a long coat. She couldn’t get a clear view of his face other than the mask. Now, three days ago on 3rd August, Hasegawa Kana was found strangled in a side alley in Shibuya. None of the residents have seen anything suspicious but luckily one of our own detectives witnessed a tall man leaving this very side alley in the middle of the night. We have been able to get a composite sketch”, Wakatoshi said and pinned a picture onto the board behind him. “You will find a copy in your files. He was wearing a mask and gloves, luckily, the sketch is a bit more detailed than our first description”, he added.

It wasn’t a helpful sketch all together, Atsumu thought. Half of the guys face was covered by a mask, like the original description that had earned him that nickname. A deep frown. A few curls that fell into his eyes from underneath a hood. Two moles above his right eyebrow.

“He seems to be around 1.90 m tall. That fits our original profile, which we gathered from the angle in which he strangles his victims”, Wakatoshi continued.

Someone lifted their hand. “That’s not much to go on. This sketch hardly shows more than his eyes, we won’t get a hit in the data basis from that, will we?” a detective from Kagoshima asked. Wakatoshi looked at her with a frown. “No, so far we have not got a hit”, he said slowly. “What’s the big deal then?” another detective asked.

“He has not murdered in the same city twice until now”, Wakatoshi said. Atsumu leaned forward. Now it was getting interesting. “You think he’s originally from Tokyo?” he said out loud. Wakatoshi’s brows furrowed. “It’s difficult to find victim zero but one of his earliest murders happened in Tokyo”, Atsumu recalled. That had been 4 years ago. He had still been at the police academy back then, about to graduate, and had followed the case on the news.

“Or”, Kageyama threw in. “he has another reason to come back to Tokyo. He never stays long in one city, but no one looks twice in Tokyo. It is an easy place to hide compared to the country side”.

Wakatoshi nodded his head softly. “Yes, but we have been lucky again. He was spotted at a 7/11 just yesterday. Bokuto who originally saw him leaving the alley, confirmed that it is the same man”, Wakatoshi said. There it was, Bokuto had been involved in landing them the case.

Bokuto looked very satisfied with himself. Atsumu wasn’t so sure whether that confirmation was reliable. “You recognised him? After seeing him for a few seconds in a dark alley in the middle of the night with half his face covered?” he asked in disbelief. Bokuto’s smile fell. “Of course, I did!” he called. Atsumu noticed that several other detectives looked equally unsure. “He bought hand sanitiser and cleaning gloves”, Wakatoshi threw in. Atsumu pursed his lips. “Could be coincidence”, he said. “No, I’m sure. He has that odd curly hair I would definitely recognise it and those moles”, Bokuto said firmly. Atsumu thought it was rich of Bokuto to call someone else’s hair odd when he himself with his silver-grey hair looked like an owl that had flown through a hurricane.

“We have no evidence against this man, except that he was seen near two scenes of the crime, so we’re staking him out for now. We can't be entirely sure yet that he is our man, but he is our only and therefore our prime suspect. We have to gather information on him and slowly build our case, but he is very careful. We don’t want to spook him. If he leaves the city we won’t be able to find him again this easily”, Meian said stepping forward again.

“In case he does run, we have specially chosen detectives of other prefectures to keep an eye out for him”, Meian said. Atsumu thought that it was odd. Why would he return to Tokyo and stay there? Had he found that it was easier to murder in Tokyo? Had he gotten tired of running around? He surely had to be aware that the police was looking for him.

It was easier said than done to stake out a guy who seemed to be able to disappear at will. For now, they only had to find out where he lived. The team rotated in following the guy so he would not get suspicious. He never went to the same convenience store, avoided touching anything so they could not even sneakily take fingerprints. He always wore a mask that covered his mouth and nose, occasionally he would wear a cap. He was so tall that he should have stood out in the crowd but somehow he did not. Luckily, neither mask nor hats would cover up a trait by which they identified their suspect. Curly hair and two moles right above his right eyebrow. A week had passed and then two but he did not leave town, he stayed. It remained difficult to track him down, sometimes they wouldn’t see him for two or three days and got worried that they had lost him, then he would pop up in a completely different part of the city grocery shopping.

Two weeks after they had been assigned the case, Atsumu and Hinata got lucky one evening. Atsumu had leaned back in the car seat and was chewing absently on his gum while Hinata was sipping on his ice tea. Beginner’s mistake. You don’t want to be hydrated during a stakeout.

“If you have to go to the restroom and he turns up, it’s on you”, Atsumu said. Hinata put the bottle down. “What?” he called. “You don’t drink during a stakeout”, Atsumu said and sat up. He ruffled Hinata’s hair. “You could have told me earlier”, Hinata murmured. But Atsumu wasn’t listening. “There! There that’s him!” Atsumu gasped. Indeed, their suspect had just emerged from one of the side entrances of a metro station. When the light of a street lamp hit his face, Atsumu could make out a sour expression on the tiny part of his face that was visible. “Did he notice us?” Hinata asked panicked. “No, why would he? We’re in a dark car across the street. He’s a serial killer not a magician. He doesn’t have super vision. Let’s go”, Atsumu said and watched their suspect turn a corner. He jumped out of the car, Hinata at his heels as they hurry after him. At the corner they slowed down but as they casually turned into the street into which their suspect has disappeared, they saw him enter a high-rise building. “Oh my god”, Atsumu gasped. “We found where he lives”.

When they reported back, Atsumu was met with the same disbelief he had brought up against Bokuto a few weeks prior. _After all this time they suddenly had gotten lucky to find out where he lived? Could that really be the right guy?_

Atsumu clenched his jaw. “Of course, it is the right guy! At least it’s the guy Bokuto identified. He has those two moles!” Atsumu called. “Listen, we finally have a chance. We won’t get another one. We must take it”.

Wakatoshi sat there with crossed arms eying Hinata and Atsumu. “We’re keeping tabs on him, it’s easier now that we know where he lives. What else are you proposing?” he asked.

“Surely something stupid”.

Atsumu whirled around and came face to face with his twin brother. “What are you doin’ here?” he asked. “Well, you missed mum’s birthday. She forced me to come and check on you since you don’t answer calls or e-mails”, Osamu said. “She thinks you’re floating in a river, face down”. Atsumu groaned. “But honestly if you were killed, you’d be the type to have their body thrown in the garbage”, Osamu said. Atsumu grinded his teeth.

“Alright, alright. I call her and apologise. I’m in the middle of somethin’ here. It’s an ongoin' investigation, so, no-outsiders. Goodbye”, he said curtly. “Woah!”

Hinata was gaping at them across the room. “There are two Miyas”, he called. “You’re freaking out the newbie. Time to go”, Atsumu said and ushered his brother towards the exit. Open room offices were the worst. No privacy.

“Then I’m takin’ this free onigiri with me”, Osamu said and lifted a bag. “What?” Atsumu called and tried to snatch it from his brother’s hands. “Uh-uh”, Osamu made and pulled it out of his reach.

The elevator doors opened with a soft ding and they were shortly separated by two officers exiting. When they got in, they were finally alone. The doors closed and Atsumu pressed the button for the roof terrace instead of the ground level. “You know damn well I’m not allowed to talk about work stuff”, Atsumu hissed. “Hm”, Osamu made. “You’re all riled up. Are you huntin’ some dangerous guy?” – “Yeah”.

The doors opened and they stepped out. It was early in the day but it was already terribly hot. August was the worst. There were no people out here yet, it was a bit too early for a smoke or lunch break. No one wanted to be seen taking a break so early into the day. They leaned against the hand railing while Osamu unpacked the box of onigiri. He handed Atsumu one with pickled plum.

“You didn’t call mum because you were doin' somethin’ stupid, weren’t you?” Osamu asked. They usually didn’t discuss this stuff. Ever since Atsumu had moved to Tokyo they were talking even less. They loved each other as much as twin brothers could and fought with the same passion, every single time. Atsumu didn’t like the worried undertone in his brother’s voice. He didn’t need his brother to worry for him.

“I was on a stakeout. Nothin’ dangerous, calm down”, Atsumu muttered and took a bite out of his onigiri. They were quiet for a while. “I thought you went undercover or somethin’. Last time you also didn’t tell us and just disappeared for two months”, Osamu said. “Didn’t you say you hadn’t even noticed?” Atsumu asked and stuffed the rest of his rice ball into his mouth. It had been a while since he had tasted something this delicious. He wasn’t a great cook, quite the opposite of his brother. And he had been so busy that so far all his meals had been from the 7/11 or cheap ramen restaurants.

Osamu knew why Atsumu never said anything. What was there to say? Say goodbye in case things went south and he didn’t come back? Make them worry unnecessarily?

“’Samu”, Atsumu murmured as he devoured his third onigiri. “Hm?” his bother made, he sounded as if he had been torn out of his thoughts. “Don’t come back here for a while”, Atsumu said. Osamu frowned. “Somethin’ gonna happen in Tokyo?” he asked. Atsumu didn’t say it. If he wanted to take down The doctor he couldn’t do that with his family popping in every few weeks to check on him.

“Fine”, Osamu sighed. “Don’t get killed then. Or maybe do. I don’t know”, Osamu said and shrugged. “Fuck you”, Atsumu said. Osamu pulled a grimace and left.

Back in the office, the squad had been discussing their new hint. While Bokuto was all for Atsumu’s unspoken prompt to actually do something and not sit around, waiting and watching, Wakatoshi was strictly against it. “We won’t engage. In any case, what exactly was the plan, Miya? Going undercover, trying to… pose as bait?” Wakatoshi asked. “Good idea!” Bokuto threw in. Hinata looked torn. Kageyama, Hinata’s partner, was frowning. “No, I thought of moving into the building”, Atsumu said. “Absolutely not. What are you going to do? Trying to befriend him?” Wakatoshi said and shook his head. “He’ll get suspicious if we keep hanging around that building. If I actually live there, I will have a reason to be there! I won’t try to befriend him, well not right away, but it’ll be easier to gather information on him!” Atsumu called. Wakatoshi kept shaking his head. Like a clock. Tic-tac-tic-tac. No, no, no.

“So we wait until a new corpse turns up?” Atsumu called. “No, we keep tabs on him like I said and we will catch him red-handed”, Wakatoshi said. “I doubt that is going to happen”, Atsumu said through gritted teeth.

It was back to staking out the place, following their mysterious suspect around town. But all the man ever did was going shopping when they saw him somewhere outside. Groceries. Disinfectant agent. New masks. A different shop each time. The only new thing was the number of his flat. 304.

Another week later, Atsumu was ungently woken up by a call. He was called to another briefing, this time it was just him, Wakatoshi and their Superintendent Meian. “Inspector Ushijima has told me about your enthusiasm for this case”, Meian said carefully. Silence.

“I’ve read your file. It is quite impressive. You’ve applied for the sergeant examination?”, Meian continued. “Yes. Thank you, sir”, Atsumu said. He couldn’t help but to feel proud. He knew that he had set records at the police academy and that he had had the best statistics back in Hyogo.

“I think, we should give your idea a shot”.

Atsumu’s head snapped up. “Really? Sir?” Atsumu called. Meian tilted his head. “It is of course a highly delicate situation. We cannot risk our suspect to notice anything at all. Your job would be to report when he leaves the house and when he comes back. Maybe ask a few neighbours about him. But keep a low-profile. Don’t spook him. We will continue our stake out. You’re not to follow him when he leaves the house. You will keep an eye on him when he is at home. Quietly, discreetly. You understand?” Meian asked.

Atsumu opened his mouth.

“It would be useless if I don’t try to gather more information on him”, he said. Meian’s eyes narrowed. “Slowly. At first you will only observe, if and only if, there is a chance to speak to him, you will do so with utmost caution”. That wasn’t how he had imagined it. But it was better than nothing. “Good”.

Meian nodded and handed him a file. “You’re going in as Shibata Makoto, 28 years old. You’re doing home-office for an international designer company. Website design”, he said. Atsumu couldn’t repress the grimace. Couldn’t be any further from his real self.

“Okay”, he said.

It was always exciting to go undercover, taking on a new identity. The spark of excitement when you made contact with the target. But this time he was not supposed to do so. That had put quite the damper on his mood. Nonetheless, here he was, finally doing something. A chance to make contact would surely come...

He was carrying a large cardboard box, an old backpack and tried to drag a suitcase at the same time as he got out of the elevator. With a terrible loud clatter the box fell from his hand and out spilled a wild mess of his headphones, his sunglasses, several loose pens and a metro map.

With a curse Atsumu put the box up and just as he was about to pick up all the things that had rolled out of it, his suitcase fell over with a sound that boomed through the corridor. Embarrassed Atsumu crouched on the floor gathering his things as a door to his left opened abruptly. He could feel the glare before he saw it. “I’m sorry for the noise. I’m just movin’ in. It’s not much, so it’ll be over in a heartbeat –“, Atsumu called and hurriedly got up. He found himself face to face with a tall man, curly black hair and two moles above his right eyebrow. His eyebrows were furrowed.

“H-Hi”, Atsumu said. “I’m Shibata. I’ll be living here now –“. But the man said nothing, he averted his eyes and walked off. Great. Off to a good start. As soon as the man was in the elevator, Atsumu texted the team waiting outside.

Atsumu hesitated then he walked up to the neighbour’s door. Their suspect was called: Sakusa.


	2. Undercover

His new flat was surprisingly big for Tokyo but it was sparsely furnished. A bed, Atsumu was used to sleeping on futon, but that would be alright, a tiny kitchen and to Atsumu’s delight a big bathroom. His own flat had a tiny bathroom, he could hardly move in it. He was used to a large bathroom from when he had lived in his parents’ house. Since there was nothing else to do and he had to stop himself from breaking into Sakusa’s flat, he began unpacking, which otherwise he would not have done. He set up his laptop and phone on the dining table, stuffed his clothes into the closet and then he lost his focus. It had been 10 AM when Sakusa had left the building but he did not return until 7 PM. Atsumu had lain on his bed most of the day staring at the ceiling, planning on how to get information about his new neighbour without breaking any of the rules his superiors had set him.

Although it was a building with approximately 50 flats, Atsumu tried to introduce himself to the neighbours later that day in the hopes of getting a glimpse into Sakusa’s flat as well. But his plan did not succeed as most neighbours did not even open the door or shushed him away rather unfriendly. Sakusa also did not open the door, he answered over the intercom.

“Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. I just moved in”, Atsumu started. “You already introduced yourself this morning”, Sakusa’s sharp answer came through the intercom. “Right”, Atsumu said slowly and when he was met with silence, he laughed.

“Well, we didn’t really talk this morning, so I thought –“, Atsumu started. “No”. Sakusa’s clipped answer came promptly and Atsumu sighed. He didn’t hear Sakusa walk away inside his flat so he assumed that he was standing there and waited for Atsumu to walk away first.

About a week later, Atsumu had figured out Sakusa’s basic schedule. He would leave at either 9 AM or 10 AM and return at 7 PM or 8 PM. He was quiet which was remarkable since the walls were so thin Atsumu could hear all the other neighbours talking, watching TV and going on about their lives. Sakusa showered twice a day, once in the morning and once when he got home. On the rare occasions that they met in the hallways Sakusa seemed to always wear his mask. He never touched elevator buttons, door handles or the mailbox directly with his hand. He would always pull his jacket over his hand or actually take out gloves. Despite the summer heat, he was always wearing long sleeved white shirts or a fine black jacket.

Either he was a germaphobe or he was conscious about living fingerprints. Taking everything into account Atsumu was sure it was the first option.

Since Sakusa seemed to go grocery shopping in a different store each time, Atsumu was surprised when he ran into Sakusa in the 7/11 down the street on his second week undercover.

Atsumu almost bumped into Sakusa when he got up from crouching on the ground to pull out several packages of pre-cooked ramen noodles. “I’m sorry”, he immediately apologised as he was met with a glare that felt paralysing. “Oh, hi”, Atsumu said when he recognised Sakusa and recovered from the shock and the unsettling glare. “We – live in the same building?” Atsumu said. “No”, Sakusa just said and abruptly turned around. “Well… actually we are”, Atsumu said. Sakusa walked away so fast that Atsumu gathered he should keep a distance.

Just two days later Atsumu was taking out the two sheets of coupons from his letter box when Sakusa walked into the entrance hall to do the same. He froze when he saw Atsumu but walked over nonetheless. Without a word he opened his letter box, took out the same coupons and a billing letter. The silence was so frosty that Atsumu hurried out of the hall but realised too late that they would take the same elevator back upstairs again.

“Hi”, Atsumu said and flashed Sakusa a smile when Sakusa got onto the elevator. Sakusa looked away abruptly. It was terribly awkward but thankfully the ride was short. They got out of the elevator, Sakusa hurried ahead which was relieving because Atsumu had rather not stood with his back to someone who was known to strangle people from behind. Atsumu had reached his door and was about to unlock it when he noticed that Sakusa had not yet gotten into his own flat. Sakusa was looking at him. “Yes?” Atsumu asked.

“You’re not from here”, Sakusa said. His voice was muffled by the mask. Atsumu wasn’t sure whether it was a question or a statement. “Uhm, no. Obviously not”, Atsumu said. When Sakusa said nothing, Atsumu grabbed the opportunity to prolong the conversation.

“I’m from Hyogo prefecture. You’re from Tokyo?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa’s hands tensed up but he answered: “Yes”. Atsumu smiled, more at the fact that he had managed to retrieve the tiniest bit of information from Sakusa. For a moment Sakusa seemed to struggle but then he spoke to his door rather than face Atsumu. “What are you doing here?” Sakusa said then. Atsumu blinked. “I’m livin’ here”, he said. Sakusa tensed even more. “In Tokyo”, he said through gritted teeth. “Oh, I moved here because of my girlfriend”, Atsumu said. Sakusa shortly looked at him. “Ex-girlfriend actually”, Atsumu added. “I mean we came here together because of her job, it all didn’t work out so I’m here now”, he continued and shrugged. “Hey, do you know any good restaurants around here, I’m not the best cook…”, Atsumu said quickly. Sakusa turned back to his door. “No. I don’t like going out”, he said sharply. “Pity”, Atsumu said and smiled. “It would have been nice to have someone who could show me around a bit”. Sakusa looked back at him and a weird thing happened. He was not glaring and he didn’t look intimidating at all anymore. Atsumu waited for Sakusa to say something because he looked like it but when Sakusa said nothing, Atsumu flashed him another smile. “Well, see you around”, he said and went back into his flat. He heard Sakusa get into his flat next door. A few seconds later the water was running. Washing his hands. Obviously.

Atsumu knew he was playing a dangerous game. He had interacted a lot more with Sakusa than he should have, but it was thrilling. He was convinced that the stakeouts would not have led them anywhere and Sakusa had actually stroke up a conversation with him, so he would not give up the hope that he could at least gain some trust. Enough trust to enter his flat at some point, talk to him more and find out about him. Find evidence.

*

Atsumu cursed. He had dropped his mug, his favourite to make matters worse, and it had shattered. As he had tried to rescue it, one of the shards had cut deeply into his hand. Of course, he had not thought of bringing or buying any plasters or anything similar, so he had to wrap a towel around his bleeding hand while he tried to mop up the rest. Cursing he rummaged through his backpack for his wallet. Then he had an idea. It was Saturday, Sakusa was not working on weekends. Not trying to get his hopes up he rang on Sakusa’s door. A few moments passed then Sakusa opened the door.

“Hi, do you happen to have a first-aid kit or plasters, anything?” Atsumu asked and raised his injured hand. He saw how Sakusa’s eyes widened and he took a step back. He looked horrified. Atsumu looked back at his own hand. The blood was already staining the towel but it didn’t look too bad. “Why don’t you go to the convenience store? There’s also a pharmacy down the road on the right”, Sakusa said tersely. He sounded almost as if he was trying to hold his breath. He was not wearing a mask and Atsumu could see how his lips were pressed together.

“I can’t find my wallet”, Atsumu said. Then he took a step forward. “Please?” he begged. It looked more of an internal war rather than just an internal struggle that was going on in Sakusa but then he stepped aside. “Fine!” he pressed out. “Don’t bleed onto the floor”.

Atsumu’s face broke into a smile, mostly to cover his surprise that Sakusa would let him inside. “Thank you”. Sakusa closed the door and walked ahead into the bathroom. Atsumu let his gaze wander. “Wow, what a nice flat”, it slipped out. Sakusa who had returned with a first-aid kit gave him a glare. Atsumu had not expected the flat to look so nice. The colours of all furniture and the floors had been matched. Although it smelled of disinfectant, the flat felt comfortable and welcoming. “Sit”, Sakusa said and pointed to a dining table where he put down the first-aid kit. He got out a few different plasters and a scissors. “How –“, he started and then made an anguished sound when Atsumu removed the towel. Atsumu looked up and saw that Sakusa had turned away.

“It’s not that bad”, Atsumu said relaxed. “Oh… are you scared of blood?” he asked carefully. Sakusa did not reply but he distinctly looked away. How weird for a murderer to be disgusted by blood. Atsumu struggled to cut the plaster to size since it was quite a large cut and he had to do it single-handedly. When he could not get the backing off the plaster Sakusa got up. There was a snapping sound and Atsumu looked up. Sakusa had put on his gloves and then took the plaster out of Atsumu’s uninjured hand. He pulled back the backing and placed the plaster over Atsumu’s cut. Sakusa’s hands were trembling slightly and Atsumu looked up. Sakusa looked like he was fighting the urge to be sick. “Thank you”, Atsumu said still perplex. But as soon as the plaster was stuck, Sakusa turned around and hurried into the bathroom. Atsumu thought that Sakusa was really going to be sick but instead he saw that Sakusa threw the gloves into the bin and washed his hands frantically while slightly shaking his head as if to rid himself of a revolting image.

“Are you okay?” Atsumu asked carefully as he stepped into the bathroom. Sakusa whirled around. They were standing way too close. Sakusa bumped into the sink as he tried to back away. “Personal space means nothing to you, does it?” Sakusa pressed out. “No, not really”, Atsumu said. It was the first close look Atsumu got on Sakusa. His eyes were so dark, they were almost black. Atsumu could see his own reflection in them. “You’ve got your plaster, can you leave now?” Sakusa said. Atsumu took a step back. “Oh, right.” He walked out of the bathroom and remembered that Sakusa was now standing behind him. He had a tingling feeling in his neck and abruptly turned around. Sakusa almost ran into him. He looked angry.

“Stop doing that!” Sakusa called. “What?” Atsumu asked.

“You’re doing it on purpose”, Sakusa said and glared at him. “Don’t glare at me, please, it’ll make me nervous”. Atsumu didn’t know why he had said that. It was not the right place or time to flirt… or provoke a possible serial killer. But playing with fire was exciting. Even more so when it meant seeing how far he could go with Sakusa. He never reacted the way Atsumu expected and he was personality-wise entirely the opposite of what he had thought he would be. He had the feeling that he would not spook Sakusa into leaving Tokyo if he continued trying to befriend him. For a brief second Sakusa looked surprised, then his face smoothened and he made a disgruntled face and looked away.

Atsumu was slowly building up a profile of Sakusa. He had been supposed to gather fingerprints or any form of DNA, but with a person as careful and clean as Sakusa it had proved to be impossible. So he only had those bits of information on Sakusa, he had been able to extract from their brief encounters and his close observations, which he passed over to Wakatoshi in a bar. He knew that Sakusa would never enter such a place, therefore they could have easily skipped all secrecy but Wakatoshi was firm on following protocol. So Atsumu left it in the men’s restroom and as he had taken his seat, he watched how Wakatoshi got up from the other side of the bar and went into the restroom to retrieve it. Wakatoshi ordered a peppermint tea, which meant that he had received the file. Wakatoshi would be mad that there would be no fingerprints or DNA in the file since that had been the only reason for a meeting in person. Mere information could be passed over electronically... But luckily, he would not be able to let out his anger at Atsumu.

After three weeks being undercover Atsumu had found out Sakusa’s first name by glimpsing at one of his letters. Sakusa Kiyoomi. His age was still a mystery. Atsumu guessed that Sakusa was around his age. Neither friends nor family ever came to visit. He was not very social, he hated crowds and noise. He never phoned while in his flat, if he used the TV in his living room then the volume had to be off or he used headphones because Atsumu never heard anything. Sakusa was a germaphobe, scared of blood and bugs, which Atsumu had found out when there had been a spider in the entrance hall of the building and Sakusa had left the room as fast as possible without running. His guess had been confirmed when Sakusa couldn’t enter his flat because there was a spider hanging on the ceiling right above his door. Atsumu thought killing the spider for Sakusa had gained him some more trust points that he was establishing with massive effort. Sakusa Kiyoomi was a tough piece of work.

Atsumu was getting so bored with his days that he started to actually learn something about website design just in case his job would ever come up in a conversation with Sakusa. This was a lucky decision because just after he had spent watching an online seminar, his job did come up.

After the seminar Atsumu’s head felt like it was about to explode and with a groan he realised he had forgotten to check the letter box. Occasionally there were letters from his team to exchange new information on the last murder victim, on the places that Sakusa had gone to, disguised as bills. Since he had made contact with Sakusa, they had reduced their contact with Atsumu. Technically, there should be no contact at all while undercover but since they weren’t entirely sure about Sakusa yet, they had decided to keep the information flow going. It was 8 PM as Atsumu took the elevator downstairs into the entrance hall. He had not even bothered to put on proper clothes. He was still wearing the same sweatpants he had been wearing for the past 3 days and a loose wife beater. There was only advertisement in the letter box. He closed it and looked up. Sakusa had entered the building. Their eyes met and although his face was half-covered, Atsumu could tell that Sakusa was pulling a face. When they got on the elevator together Sakusa was standing further away from him than usual.

“Are you unemployed or something?” Sakusa asked with a suffocated voice. His eyes were narrowed. “Huh? No”, Atsumu said surprised. Then he saw Sakusa eying his outfit with so much disdain and disgust that he suddenly felt very self-conscious about the fact that he had on top of his ratty outfit not yet showered. “I do home-office. I work for an international company so… that’s the easiest way”, Atsumu said. “Uh-huh”, Sakusa made, clearly while pressing his lips shut. “Okay then, mister. What’s your glamourous job?” Atsumu asked a little more aggressive than planned.

“Beauty sales”, Sakusa said shortly. “Oh?” Atsumu was genuinely surprised. “What?” Sakusa asked. “Well, I guess… you do have nice skin”. The disgust was wiped of Sakusa’s face by confusion. “That has nothing to do with…”, Sakusa started but the elevator doors opened with a soft ping. There was a weird tension in the silence. “I’ve meant to ask before. How old are you?” Atsumu asked directly. Sakusa looked positively overwhelmed, then his face was distorted by a scowl.

“Come on, if I have been really rude to a person older than me…”, Atsumu said. Sakusa glared at him. “26”, he snapped. Atsumu opened his mouth and stopped walking. Sakusa stopped, too. “Why?” Sakusa asked. “You’re younger than me”, Atsumu said surprised. Sakusa looked surprised, too. “Is that so?” he asked. “Yeah, I’m 27”, Atsumu said. Then Atsumu flashed him a smile. “That is great. Do you have a first name?” he asked and began walking down the hallway again. “What kind of question is that? Of course, I do”, Sakusa said. “And?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa looked like he was struggling again. “What is it to you?” Sakusa asked. “I wanna know. I prefer first names anyways”, Atsumu said lightly, forgetting that his undercover personality did not have a twin brother. It was confusing when people called them by their last name, how should anyone know who they meant.

“Then go ahead”, Sakusa said. Their eyes met and Sakusa’s glare was so intense it felt like it nailed Atsumu on the spot. He stared into Sakusa’s dark eyes. Oh crap. He could not recall his fake first name. Make up a new one!

“Atsumu”. Oh no.

Why had he used his real name? What was wrong with him?

Sakusa’s face relaxed a bit. “Sakusa Kiyoomi”, he murmured. Atsumu leaned against the frame of his door and looked at Sakusa. Long, slender legs in black pants. White shirt and a black blazer. Your standard business man look. The unusual curly hair that fell into his eyes.

He was attractive. Atsumu blinked as he noticed that Sakusa was staring back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, thank you so much for the interest in this story!!  
> Your comments and kudos mean the world to me, I hope you keep on enjoying this story <3
> 
> -  
> I tagged all relevant triggers but please let me know if you want me to put up specific trigger warnings (e.g. tw//blood) at the beginning of the chapters.  
> I also just created a twitter to post when a new chapter goes up or in case there will be a delay. Always open to new friends to cry about sakuatsu with @red__camellia_


	3. Playing with Fire

The doctor had followed a clear pattern, in his first three years he had murdered 6 people. The murders had been about six months apart. Then last year it seemed two murders weren’t enough anymore because his second murder victim had turned up just 4 months later and 5 months later another one. This very year they had already found 3 victims that they had connected to him. One in February, one in May and the other one just in August when Atsumu had started the undercover mission. The shorter time period between the murders was concerning. It meant that Atsumu had about two months left until the doctor would murder again.

Atsumu and Sakusa greeted each other when they met in the entrance hall, Sakusa was still not a fan of small talk and usually it was just Atsumu talking when they took the elevator together but Sakusa did not tell him to shut up. However, he looked like he was rather annoyed by Atsumu’s babbling. August was ending in a series of typhoons and September continued them, which made the stake out troublesome for the team. Since Atsumu had managed to establish some sort of relationship with Sakusa, his team would now have to rely on him and that also meant they would further reduce contact. But they left him one last valuable information.

They had uncovered why Sakusa was always travelling through the entire city and went shopping in a different location every weekday. He was frequenting different internet cafés or coffee shops with free Wi-Fi. He would bring a laptop, do some work and then leave at the end of the day. He always sat with the back to security cameras.

It was humid and stuffy, the worst time for the air conditioner to break down. Thankfully the building manager had immediately reacted to the problem and had hired a company to fix the broken air conditioners since Atsumu’s was not the only one that had broken down.

The mechanics had come in the early afternoon and were finished when Atsumu returned from the convenience store which he had frequented a lot during noon and afternoon simply because it was cool there and Sakusa would be working anyway. Nothing else to do.

There was still some time left until Sakusa would come home, so Atsumu checked out a gym down the street. Usually he worked out a lot and for the last month he had been so on edge he had not managed to do much. He had done some basic workouts in his flat during the hours that Sakusa was at work. The gym was great and not too expensive. Atsumu immediately took the chance for the trial-day and returned feeling exhausted but happy (and freshly showered in case he’d run into Sakusa) back home. There was a strong wind blowing uncomfortably warm into Atsumu’s still heated face but at least it wasn’t raining. When he stepped into the entrance hall, he saw that Sakusa was arguing with the concierge who looked half concerned, half annoyed.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa whirled around. He eyed Atsumu’s gym bag and the still wet towel around his neck. “Someone’s been in my flat!” Sakusa said sharply.

“Like I said, the facility manager told me about the broken ACs. I let them in. A bunch of tenants reported broken ACs, so they had to check all of them”, the concierge said and shrugged.

“I didn’t consent for anyone to enter my flat. I was not at home!” Sakusa said enraged.

“Omi, calm down. They’ve also been in mine. They just did their job”, Atsumu threw in. Sakusa threw him a death glare. “If you’re worried that they stole somethin’ we can go upstairs and check whether they took anythin’”, Atsumu suggested further. The concierge nodded thankfully at Atsumu’s rational suggestion. But Sakusa was shaking his head. Was he hiding some kind of evidence in his flat and was worried it had been found, Atsumu wondered. Was Sakusa worried that the police was onto him at last? He could not have Sakusa freak out so much that he would leave town, they could not lose him now.

“Oh, right, it’s because of the germs”, Atsumu blurted out. “They only stepped into the livin’ room and touched the AC. Nothin’ else. It will be easy to clean”, Atsumu said. Sakusa glared at him. “What’s wrong, Omi?” Atsumu asked. “Don’t call me that!” Sakusa snapped.

“I give everyone nicknames”, Atsumu said. “You can call –“, Atsumu started. “No”, Sakusa interrupted him.

“Come on, let’s leave the poor man alone. Let’s go over here”, Atsumu said and pulled him away from the concierge over to the elevator. “What’s up?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa pulled his arm out of Atsumu’s grip. “I wanna help”, Atsumu said quietly. Sakusa shortly looked at him. His eyes were nervous, his gazes was flitting all over the place as if he was looking for something. He looked paranoid.

“Tell me, please”, Atsumu said quietly. When Sakusa looked at him again, they held the gaze for a long moment. “Someone’s been following me”, it finally burst out of Sakusa. Atsumu tried to look surprised and taken aback.

“You mean… a stalker?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa frowned. “You’re hot I wouldn’t be surprised if you had one. There are a lot of creepy people out there”, Atsumu said and regretted it the same second the words were out of his mouth. “What?” Sakusa said distracted.

“You think that person who’s been followin’ you was in your flat?” Atsumu asked. “Maybe still is?” Sakusa’s nod was jerked. “I can come with you if you’re scared”, Atsumu said. “I’m not scared”, Sakusa snapped. Yeah, obviously not, Atsumu thought. He’d just strangle someone like that. Then Atsumu realised he had offered to go to Sakusa’s flat. What if Sakusa was just trying to lure him in there? No, Sakusa looked genuinely paranoid and nervous. Besides, it was a good chance to look around in Sakusa’s flat without raising any suspicion.

“I’ll come with you”, Atsumu said firmly and pressed the button on the elevator. “What use would that be?” Sakusa asked. “Well, I could… take them down if someone was lurkin’ around?” Atsumu suggested. Sakusa’s brows furrowed. “I know martial arts”, Atsumu said. The frown on Sakusa’s forehead deepened. “I – it’s been awhile, but I still know how to fight, okay. Besides I just worked out, I’m fit”, Atsumu said and flexed his arms. He noticed Sakusa’s eyes linger on Atsumu’s arms. “Fine”, Sakusa said then to Atsumu’s surprise. Atsumu could not hide his triumphant grin. He was confident in his body but he loved receiving affirmation.

“Stand there”, Atsumu said and gently shoved Sakusa so he would stand right next to the door. In front of him instead of behind him. He still preferred not to stand in front of Sakusa. After all, it was almost time for another murder. What if Sakusa was actually so restless because he was in a murderous mood?

“Keys?” Atsumu asked quietly. He fought down the urge to go about this in a police style manner, he could not blow his cover. But he really would have preferred to have his gun on him. Sakusa did not reach him the keys, instead he unlocked the door himself and pushed the door open and then stepped back, so Atsumu could enter first. Atsumu pressed the light switch and entered the flat. He kicked off his shoes and entered the living room. He checked the bathroom, he also glanced hopefully in the cabinets and trash bin, in case there was any hair or fingerprints he could sneak out, but there was absolutely nothing. It was eerie that someone could live here and yet leave not a single trace behind. He had just peered behind the sofa in the living room when he noticed something behind him. He whirled around. It was Sakusa.

“And?” Sakusa asked. He looked around nervously. “No one in the bathroom or behind the sofa. Let me check the bedroom, okay?” Sakusa nodded and Atsumu pushed the bedroom door open. Sakusa did not follow him. The bedroom was nice. Sakusa had a proper bed, not the crappy one that Atsumu had in his flat. There were two bedside tables, a closet, a window with the curtains tightly closed. Atsumu opened the closet. Sakusa had a weird arrangement of clothes. It was almost entirely black and dark blue suits but on the right side of the closet were neon-coloured gym clothes. “Urgh”, Atsumu murmured.

He used the opportunity to check for any hidden evidence, but there was nothing. Just the clothes. He closed the doors of the closet, a nice scent of detergent lingered in the air. He checked under the bed and hastily looked through the room for evidence but was disappointed again, then stepped out into the living room. “No one there”, he said and shrugged. “See, everything’s cool”, Atsumu said. “No need to lose your head”. Sakusa had his fingers interlaced and still looked worked up. “Have you talked to the police because of your stalker?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa’s face darkened. “No”. Atsumu already knew the answer but he thought it would be weird if he didn’t ask. “Why not?” Sakusa glared at him.

“I don’t have any proof, do I? I don’t know who is following me”, he said pointed. “Okay. Do you have a phone?” Atsumu asked. Confusion mingled with the anger on Sakusa’s face. “No, I don’t. Why?” he said. “Oh”. Atsumu was surprised at that but then realised that it made sense. No phone, no GPS-tracking, no family and no friends who would call. “I just thought you could have called me if you ever noticed someone followin’ you again”, Atsumu said. Sakusa said nothing. “I can pick you up from the station on your way home”, Atsumu offered. He wasn’t sure if he was being too helpful now and whether Sakusa was getting suspicious. But if he had the chance laid out to him like that, he had to take it and gain as much of Sakusa’s trust as possible. Sakusa frowned. “No”, he said then. “But thanks”, he added quietly after a short moment.

“Anytime”, Atsumu said. “So, are you feelin’ better?”

Sakusa looked around the flat and hummed. “If you need anythin’ I’m next doors”, Atsumu said and waited for Sakusa to say something. “Come on, you live here. It’s nice here, you don’t wanna run away, do you?” Atsumu asked. Oh no, he should not have said that. Sakusa looked at him and his eyes narrowed.

“I just met you”, Atsumu said in a weak attempt to save it. Sakusa blinked. Again, not the reaction Atsumu had anticipated. “What do you mean?” Sakusa asked quietly. Atsumu didn’t know what to say and smiled. “I told you it would be nice to know someone in Tokyo…”. They looked at each other and Atsumu wasn’t sure anymore what he was saying or where he was going with it. He felt a strange tingling sensation that had nothing to do with the AC blasting down on him.

“Yeah”, Sakusa finally said. “Well, then. Good night”, Atsumu said and turned to leave. When he was at the door he realised that he was standing with the back to Sakusa but the usual subtle worry of being murdered he had had was gone. He was sure that Sakusa was not standing behind him and when he turned around, he was right. Sakusa was still standing at the dining table but he was looking at Atsumu. “Good night”, Sakusa said and Atsumu opened the door and left. 

Back in his own flat, he heard that Sakusa was walking through his flat for the next hour probably cleaning frantically. Then the shower was running. Silence for a long time. At half past 10 Sakusa started walking around again and Atsumu listened intently. Was Sakusa going out again? He wasn’t sure whether he had managed to calm down Sakusa. Sakusa being upset was not good. It could overthrow his usual schedule and murder pattern. What if he was actually packing his bags and left in the middle of the night? If he really was The Doctor. Atsumu nervously bit his fingernails, maybe they had it all wrong. Maybe Sakusa wasn’t the one they were looking for. Atsumu took out his laptop and typed a coded message to his team. Disguised as a work chat in the unlikely event that Sakusa could ever see this laptop, they had agreed on a few coded messages.

His team had told him that they had stopped tailing Sakusa so why was Sakusa sure someone had followed him? Probably someone on the team had decided to go against orders and still followed Sakusa around.

It was half past 11 when Atsumu’s door bell rang. Atsumu got up and checked the camera on the intercom. It was Sakusa. He was wearing what looked like a black pyjama and he was glancing up and down the corridor as he waited for Atsumu to answer.

Atsumu unlocked the door. “Hi, what’s up?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa did not reply, he stared at Atsumu and only then Atsumu remembered that he was wearing nothing but his boxers. “Did I wake you up?” Sakusa asked. “No, I stay up late. Is everythin’ ok?” Atsumu asked trying to read Sakusa’s face. Sakusa said nothing for a long time. “Yeah. Everything’s fine”, he finally said. Atsumu frowned. “Okay”, he said slowly. He raised his hands about to close the door when it burst out of Sakusa: “Actually no”. Atsumu opened his mouth. “Uh, well. Come in?” he said and stepped aside. Sakusa entered looking around apprehensively. “You don’t have a sofa?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu was startled by that odd question. “No, I – I don’t really need one”, he said confused. Atsumu had been living in this flat for 6 weeks now but it still looked rather empty. He had never unpacked his cardboard boxes fully. Sakusa’s face clearly twitched when he saw the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.

His eyes rested on the laptop on the table. “You were working?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu walked over and closed the laptop. “It’s fine, I can finish this tomorrow. Have a seat”, he said. Sakusa sat down at the table. “Do you want some tea? The cups are clean but I can wash the cup once more before usin’ it,” Atsumu said. Sakusa hesitated then he nodded. Atsumu proceeded into the kitchen and brewed them tea. “So what’s up?” Atsumu asked and put two steaming mugs down on the table. Sakusa was behaving oddly. Why would he come to Atsumu’s flat? Sakusa nipped at the tea and carefully put the mug down again. “Still worried?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa hummed, not looking at him.

“I’m up long, you can stay until you feel safe”, Atsumu said. Sakusa lifted his head. “How long are you up?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu hesitated. “You want to crash here?” he asked. “What?” Sakusa asked. “Do you wanna stay over here for tonight?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa took another sip. Atsumu almost took it back. It was a stupid suggestion. He wasn’t sure what good that would do. Worst case scenario Sakusa could try to kill him, but at least then he would have evidence. Best case scenario… what was the best case scenario here?

Sakusa’s fingers tensed around the mug.

“It’s okay. I just have one bed… I can put on fresh bed sheets”, Atsumu added when Sakusa finally looked at him. This was taking a rather weird turn he had not seen coming. They drank their tea mostly in silence and then Atsumu changed the bed sheets. At midnight Sakusa got up to go to bed while Atsumu stayed up a little while longer ‘working’.

“You’re sleepin’ with your mask on?” Atsumu asked surprised looking up from his laptop screen. Sakusa hesitated and then took it off. An hour later Atsumu went to brush his teeth and then went into the bedroom as quietly as possible. “No need, I’m still awake”, Sakusa murmured. “Oh”, Atsumu said. He hesitated in front of the bed. “I’m gonna need to climb over you”, he said and then climbed over Sakusa’s legs and sat down on the bed. “Your bed is really uncomfortable”, Sakusa murmured. “Yeah, I know. Next time your bed?” Atsumu said off-handedly. Much to his surprise there was a faint flush on Sakusa’s cheek that he could see even in the darkness. Atsumu slipped under the sheets and accidentally brushed Sakusa’s leg, he felt how Sakusa abruptly slid further away from him. “Did you lock the front door?” Sakusa asked. “Yeah, I did. Don’t worry if someone tries to come in here, I’ll fight them off”, Atsumu said and pulled out one arm from underneath the covers. “Urgh”, Sakusa made. Atsumu grinned. His grin slowly faded as he looked at Sakusa who had closed his eyes. It was the first time he saw Sakusa properly without his mask and didn’t have to fear being caught staring. He had a button nose and high cheek bones. When Atsumu realised that he was staring at Sakusa’s features a bit too intently he looked away embarrassed. There was no need to be embarrassed, however, because Sakusa was breathing slowly and steadily. He was already asleep. Had he just waited until Atsumu was with him in bed? Could it really be that Sakusa had come to him because he felt safer with him? Or did this just mean that Sakusa was not the man they were looking for?

Atsumu turned to lie on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He was awake for a long time but Sakusa seemed to be fast asleep. The certainty of being murdered in his sleep seemed rather low now, but somehow Atsumu kept forgetting about the possibility of being murdered by Sakusa whenever they interacted. Why was it that his thoughts kept trailing off and he occasionally forgot what he was actually supposed to do? No, no, he should not read into it. He simply liked how it boosted his ego that a man like Sakusa Kiyoomi would come to him for help. It was not because he actually had started to like Sakusa. He would not burn his fingers in this game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I used the 'there was only one bed trope'....   
> -  
> sorry that this chapter is a bit short, I'm very busy at the moment, but maybe I can update a little earlier than usual next time. Hopefully chapter 4 will be up on Wednesday, if I get too busy again, it will be Friday as usual.


	4. Habits

Sakusa was already up when Atsumu awoke the next day. He trotted into the kitchen where Sakusa was standing with two mugs. “I made tea”, Sakusa said. “Thanks”, Atsumu said and yawned. “I can make breakfast if you want somethin’”, Atsumu said. “I thought you don’t know how to cook”, Sakusa said sceptically. “You remember that?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa looked away disgruntled. “It’s true. But omurice is the exception, the only dish I know how to cook but I absolutely excel in it”, Atsumu said. Sakusa frowned.

“I have to go to work in an hour, if you give me food poisoning…”, Sakusa said. Atsumu laughed. “I won’t, relax”, he said. Luckily, he had all the ingredients he needed. It was true. Omurice was the one dish, his brother had taught him to cook. Ten minutes later he put two plates of omurice on the table. Sakusa stared at his plate with a slight scowl.

“Is that supposed to be… my face?” he asked staring at the ketchup drawing on top of the egg. Atsumu grinned widely. “Absolutely”, he said.

“I do not look like that”, Sakusa said.

“You do, you always have that scowl and since you always wear a mask, that’s really all one can see”, Atsumu said. Sakusa glared at him. “Come on, try it at least”, Atsumu said. Sakusa sighed and looked at Atsumu’s plate. “What’s yours? A cat?” he asked. “A fox!” Atsumu called offended. “A fox?” Sakusa repeated surprised. “Yeah, my favourite animal”, Atsumu said and took a spoonful.

Sakusa looked back at his plate and then tried the omurice. “And?” Atsumu asked as soon as the spoon was in Sakusa’s mouth. Sakusa glared at Atsumu. He chewed slowly while Atsumu watched him. “And? And?” Atsumu asked. “Can't you wait a minute? I was still chewing”, Sakusa said as soon as he had gulped down. He took another spoonful while Atsumu watched so curiously he almost forgot about his own portion. “You’re not eating”, Sakusa said. Atsumu grabbed the spoon tightly.

“I can’t. Not until you tell me what you think”, Atsumu said. Sakusa sighed. “It’s good actually”, he said and took another spoonful. Atsumu pressed his lips together happily and then dug into his own portion. Once he noticed that he was tapping his feet in joy over Sakusa’s compliment he stopped embarrassed. He looked up and saw that Sakusa was watching him. “What?” Atsumu asked. “Nothing”, Sakusa said.

Sakusa went back to his flat to get ready for work. Before he left they somehow agreed that Atsumu would keep an eye on Sakusa’s flat, in case someone would turn up – although Atsumu was 100% certain that no one would. “Oh, also drop by when you come home”, Atsumu said. “Why?” Sakusa asked. “Well, so I can tell you whether someone’s been into your flat?” Atsumu said. “Okay”, Sakusa said.

“Have a nice day then”, Atsumu said and smiled. Sakusa stood in the door a bit awkwardly. “You too”, he said then and abruptly left. Atsumu briefly thought about trying to break into Sakusa’s flat while he was gone, but taken as the last time he had been there, he had not found anything, he doubted he would find something this time. He didn’t want to risk the trust he had managed to build up. Instead he pulled the sheets off his bed and put them in a plastic bag for a DNA test. He carefully stowed it in his closet so he could sent it to his team. Then he took Sakusa's fingerprints off the spoon he had used and stored the sample with the sheets in the closet.

While Sakusa was out, Atsumu went to the 7/11 and bought a huge bottle of disinfectant and disinfectant wipes. When he got back home, he wiped down every surface twice.

At a quarter past 7 PM the doorbell rang and Sakusa was standing there. He looked stressed. “And?” was his first word. “Hi, no one’s been into your flat”, Atsumu said. “You can come over though if you want to”, he added.

“You cleaned”, Sakusa said. Their eyes met. “Yeah”, Atsumu said and shrugged. “But we can stay in your flat if you prefer”, he said. Sakusa hesitated. “Yeah, maybe”. There was a long pause and Atsumu noticed that Sakusa’s hands were cramped around the plastic bags he was carrying.

“I bought groceries for dinner”, Sakusa said following Atsumu’s eyes. “You know how to cook?” Atsumu asked.

“Yeah”, Sakusa said. “You can come over. You know, to make up for last night and… breakfast”. Atsumu smiled. “I’d love to. You want any help preparin’?” he asked.   
“Okay”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu grabbed his keys and together they went to Sakusa’s flat. They made dinner together. A vegetable stir-fry with rice. Atsumu noticed how meticulously Sakusa was cutting the vegetables, the pieces looked like he had used a ruler to cut them. Atsumu's pieces looked messy.

“Thanks for dinner”, Atsumu said after Sakusa had cleaned up the dishes. “Hm, yeah”, Sakusa murmured. “Will you be ok?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa frowned. “I can stay the night if you want”, Atsumu said. Sakusa who had just dried his hands on a towel stopped in the movement. “No, I’m fine”, Sakusa said.

“Good… good. Well, I’m next doors”, Atsumu said. Sakusa walked him to the door and Atsumu didn’t mind that Sakusa was walking behind him. “Good night”, he said at the door. “Good night”, Sakusa said. But Atsumu heard that Sakusa was up until 1 AM, pacing through his flat. When he saw Sakusa the next morning getting his mail, he looked like he had not slept at all.

“Drop by my place when you come back, ok?” Atsumu said as they got on the elevator. “What?” Sakusa said. “Just to make sure, everything’s okay”, Atsumu said. Sakusa gave him a side-glance. “Ok”, he said.

At half past 7 that evening Atsumu’s doorbell rang and Sakusa was standing there. They went over to Sakusa’s place and cooked dinner together. Once they had finished, Atsumu noticed that Sakusa looked nervous again. “If you want me to leave, just say so”, Atsumu said and got up. Sakusa looked at him. “And if you want me to stay, just say so”, Atsumu added after a long pause. “You’ve got work to do, I’m sure”, Sakusa said. Atsumu smiled. That was answer enough. “I can always do it later or tomorrow”, he said.

They sat on the sofa, it was wonderfully comfortable and Atsumu could have fallen asleep right then and there. “Oh wow, this is heaven”, he murmured as he leaned into the soft cushions. “I thought you didn’t need one”, Sakusa said and pursed his lips. Atsumu noticed that Sakusa had not put his mask back on after eating dinner and brushing his teeth. Atsumu sighed. “Well, if it is a sofa like this one…”, he said. “What do you want to do? We can watch a movie”, he suggested. “Or are you already tired?”

Sakusa shook his head but he looked very exhausted. Atsumu grinned. “Sure”, he said. “So, movie?”

Sakusa shrugged. “I don’t really watch a lot of movies”, he said. “What’s the TV for then?” Atsumu asked. “News”, Sakusa said. “Right”, Atsumu murmured as Sakusa switched on the TV.

The news were just ending on a weather forecast. A commercial for shampoo followed. Then a TV series, a police drama, started. Atsumu liked it although it was highly inaccurate but Sakusa shifted uncomfortable within the first 10 minutes. “Right. No blood. We can watch somethin’ else if you don’t like it”, Atsumu said. He switched channels and found a movie that had just started.

“Uhh, Marvel”, he said content. “Marvel?” Sakusa asked. “You don’t know the franchise?” Atsumu asked surprised. “Well, sure it’s not quite as big as overseas but still pretty famous. Like the Avengers? Iron Man? Captain America? No? Really?” Atsumu asked.

They got halfway through the movie but Atsumu could tell that Sakusa was tense the whole time, he was just not sure whether it was because of the movie or something else. “Spit it out”, Atsumu sighed. “You’re uncomfortable. I mean you are basically always uncomfortable but right now, you’re super tense”, Atsumu said and turned to Sakusa. “I – don’t really like action movies”, Sakusa said. Atsumu opened his mouth in disbelief. “There isn’t even really blood in this one”, he said.

“It’s not that. It’s loud and makes me feel on edge. It’s excessive”, Sakusa said with a face as if he was tasting something bitter. “The violence puts you off?” Atsumu could not hold back that question. “And you like it?” Sakusa asked back. Atsumu hummed. “Alright, alright. What then? An animal documentary?” he said with raised eyebrows. “No”, Sakusa said.

“Nature documentary?” Atsumu suggested next. “Okay”, Sakusa said much to his surprise, apparently unaware that Atsumu was making fun of him.

So Atsumu flipped through the channels until he found a documentary on Northern Japan. He felt how Sakusa relaxed just within minutes and Atsumu had to admit that the documentary was actually quite interesting. “That looks nice. I’ve never been to Hokkaido. Have you been?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa did not respond but Atsumu felt something touching his shoulder and when he turned his head, he saw that Sakusa had fallen asleep leaning against Atsumu’s shoulder. Atsumu turned back to the TV and tried to move as little as possible. His mind was blank as he stared at the beautiful scenery on the screen.

Sakusa woke up when the documentary ended and a car commercial was playing. “Oh”, he made surprised and abruptly slid away from Atsumu. Atsumu did not know what to say. The TV commercial filled the silence.

“I better go to bed”, Sakusa murmured. “Yeah, I should be goin’, too”, Atsumu said. He got up. “Well, I see you tomorrow?”

Sakusa had a weird look on his face. “Yeah”, he said then. They walked to the door. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and change”, Atsumu said, he didn’t know what the hell he was saying. Sakusa said nothing and just looked at him. “I can come back if you want me to stay the night”, Atsumu said then. “Okay”, Sakusa said. His hands tensed up. Atsumu was back in front of Sakusa’s door just 5 minutes later. “Do you not own a pyjama?” Sakusa asked looking at Atsumu who was just in his boxers, slippers and an unzipped hoodie jacket. “No, of course not. I’m normal. Who does own a pyjama?” Atsumu said. Sakusa who was wearing his pyjama curled his lips and let Atsumu inside.

Atsumu’s eyes immediately fell on the sofa, it had been drawn out to make a bed. Of course, Sakusa would not share his bed with Atsumu. They only had shared Atsumu’s bed because there had been no other option. “I get the sofa?” Atsumu asked. “Yeah, since you liked it so much”, Sakusa said. Atsumu hummed. “Well, can you sleep without this handsome man by your side?” he asked. Sakusa glared at him.

“Well, if you do slip in next to me tonight, I won’t judge”, Atsumu said. “Do you have to be so annoying about it?” Sakusa asked. “Does that mean that you planned on doin’ it?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa clicked his tongue and went into the bedroom. An hour later, Sakusa came back out again to go to the bathroom. Atsumu could feel that Sakusa stopped in the dark living room for a few moments but then he went back into his bedroom. Through the half open door Atsumu could hear that Sakusa was turning around restlessly. He sighed and got up. He slowly pushed the door open. “Omi?”

Sakusa froze. “Can’t sleep?” Atsumu asked. “Not when you’re standing around in the dark somewhere”, Sakusa said. He sounded exhausted. Atsumu walked up to the bed, lifted the covers and slipped under them. His naked legs brushed against Sakusa’s pyjama. He could feel Sakusa sliding backwards away from him again. When Atsumu woke up the next morning, Sakusa was still sleeping. He was lying on his side, his hand just millimetres away from Atsumu’s arm. Sakusa looked relaxed and peaceful in his sleep. The morning sun was illuminating his face and Atsumu thought that Sakusa was beautiful.

What a terrifying thought. Atsumu abruptly turned away, his heart racing. He had once again briefly forgotten why he was here and who Sakusa Kiyoomi really was. But it was hard to think that this man next to him really was the serial killer they were looking for. Could a man who was so revolted by blood and germs kill someone? Sakusa hated violence. Behind that scowl and terse words was someone who was gentle and surprising. Atsumu was confused. He had come here to find enough evidence to arrest Sakusa but now he felt like he had to protect Sakusa. What if they had the wrong guy? What if Sakusa was not the Doctor? He told himself that there had been no DNA on the crime scenes or on the victims so it was useless anyways if he brought his team Sakusa’s DNA.

These thoughts plagued Atsumu for the next days as they started to form a routine. Sakusa went to work, came back, they would cook dinner together, talk about random stuff, watch TV and go to bed together. Sometimes in Sakusa’s flat, sometimes in Atsumu’s flat. By October the typhoons had finally drifted away and it got considerably cooler. Atsumu’s anxiety also rose because October was the time when the team had expected for the Doctor to murder again. Atsumu was torn between thinking that Sakusa was not the culprit and being horrified that he was knowingly endangering such an important mission. What was wrong with him? After all, he had been so frustrated that the other detectives had not been working hard enough to bring the Doctor down. He had insisted on this undercover mission to finally do something and now he found himself jeopardising the mission.

It was not just Atsumu who was nervous, Sakusa also seemed to be on edge. It was not the same paranoia and nervousness when Sakusa had thought that someone had entered his flat. Sakusa had a weird tick that he was probably not even aware of. He tapped his fingers against his coat or his thighs. Fast taps. Atsumu wondered whether this was a sign that Sakusa was getting hungry to strangle someone and he knew that it was the stupidest thing he had ever done but he still stayed over and he still slept in the same bed as Sakusa. It was naïve and stupid to think that Sakusa would not hurt him. He had no reason to think so. They weren’t lovers, not really friends. There was no label to stick on this odd relationship they had.

Then one day in mid-October Atsumu heard Sakusa come home, but he did not stop at Atsumu’s flat first. He went directly home. Atsumu was sure it was Sakusa because he heard the water running just seconds after he had come home. He was washing his hands. Unpacking the groceries. Taking a shower. Then he heard Sakusa cooking dinner which was followed by a long silence. Atsumu couldn’t sleep that night. He laid awake listening for the tiniest sounds from next doors. Was that it? Was this the end? He checked his laptop but there were no new messages from his team and on the news there was no reports on a murder. Why was Sakusa cutting him off so suddenly without a word? Sakusa didn’t leave the flat that night and the next morning came. Atsumu heard Sakusa leave for work and he came back at 8 PM. Again, he did not stop by Atsumu’s place. It was infuriating. Atsumu hated that he felt like that. He hated that it was Sakusa who could make him feel like that.

He wrote a message to his team that Sakusa was behaving unusually and they should keep their eyes open. But Sakusa had not left his flat at night, he had stuck to his usual time when leaving and coming back. He was only behaving unusually in regard to their… relationship. Atsumu pulled out the plastic bag with the bed sheets that Sakusa had slept on and the fingerprints, he typed a message to his team, only to delete it again. He carried the bag around his flat until he put it back into his closet.

The next day was a Saturday and Sakusa didn’t have to work. Atsumu had not slept again. He felt drowsy as he made himself coffee just to stay awake. He heard how Sakusa took a shower next door and proceeded to do the same in the hope that it would make him feel more awake. But instead the hot steam had caused him headaches. He couldn’t take it any longer. He got dressed and rang the bell next door. He had to wait for a long time, just when he thought that Sakusa wouldn’t answer the door, the door was opened. Sakusa had deep shadows under his eyes. He looked anxious and as exhausted as Atsumu felt. “Hey”, Atsumu said. Sakusa said nothing. “Can I come in?” Sakusa stepped back and let Atsumu in.

“Are you okay?” Atsumu asked. “You’re one to ask, you look horrible”, Sakusa said. His voice sounded strained. “Well, thank you. I was worried”, Atsumu said. “Worried?” Sakusa asked. He didn’t look at Atsumu directly. “Yeah, you didn’t stop by for two days. I thought… I mean I heard you come home so I knew you were alive. But I just… what’s wrong?” Atsumu asked directly after trying to find the right words and giving up.

Tap, tap, tap. Sakusa was doing it again. His fingers rapidly tapped against his trousers. “Nothing”, Sakusa said. “Why are you avoidin’ me then?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa had no answer. “If I was too annoyin’ –“, Atsumu said. “You’re always too annoying”, Sakusa interrupted him. “Okay”, Atsumu said. The words had actually stung. “You could have just said so. I told you, didn’t I? If you want somethin’ you should say so“, Atsumu said trying to keep his voice calm. “If it’s like that, I’ll go now”, he said and realised that he couldn’t do that because there was still the mission he was on. He still had to keep an eye on Sakusa.

“It’s not”, Sakusa said. Atsumu turned around, he felt angry again. He had to control himself and so he took a deep breath. “Well, what is it then?” he asked. He should not confront him like that. Tap, tap, tap.

“I like you”.

Tap, tap, tap. The words sounded like they had stumbled out of Sakusa's mouth. His breath was shaking.

Atsumu took a step back. He had not expected that.

“Oh”.

Sakusa’s tapping fingers tensed up. He looked like he was about to run away, his eyes flitted across Atsumu's face searching for a reaction to interpret. Atsumu took a few steps forward and wrapped his arms around Sakusa. They had slept in the same bed for weeks now but they still had not ever really touched, except that one time when Sakusa had fallen asleep on Atsumu’s shoulder. “I’m sorry but you have to endure this for makin’ me worry so much”, Atsumu said holding Sakusa tightly. Sakusa said nothing. He had tensed up when Atsumu had hugged him but then much to Atsumu’s surprise he felt Sakusa’s hands resting carefully on Atsumu’s back. It was only a light touch but it was there.

When Atsumu went back to his own flat, he opened the closet and took out the plastic bag with the old bed sheet and the fingerprints. He went into the bathroom and stuffed the sheets Sakusa had slept on into the washing machine and tossed the fingerprints into the bin, but he avoided looking into the mirror all the while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter so much, so I really hope you guys will like it!
> 
> I hoped to update every 5 days but I might be too busy, so I think it will take a whole week. But as always, I'll let you guys know how it's going via twitter (@red__camellia_) You're welcome to hit me up there to talk~ 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the kudos!! I appreciate them so much <3


	5. Change

Atsumu had just spent a little over two months undercover but in hindsight it had been way easier to get close to Sakusa Kiyoomi than he had originally thought. But a lot of things had gone different than originally thought or planned. For one, Atsumu had not planned to start dating his target and he certainly had not planned on having confusing feelings for Sakusa. Sakusa, unapproachable and always glaring had, however, finally let Atsumu into his life. It had come unexpected, sudden and when Atsumu had least suspected it. Sakusa had confessed feelings Atsumu had not known that Sakusa had. The fact that Sakusa had developed feelings for him and liked being around him, had given Atsumu a dangerous feeling of power and control. Above all, it occasionally made Atsumu forget why he was here because he, too, liked being with Sakusa more than he should. Nothing was left of that initial caution and anxiety of turning his back on Sakusa or sleeping next to him. It wasn’t that Sakusa had made Atsumu trust him, instead Atsumu was convinced that Sakusa would certainly never hurt him. He could not say why he was so sure of it and his conviction did not come from Sakusa’s confession. There was just something about the way Sakusa behaved around Atsumu, that made him so sure. Sakusa was no longer uncomfortable whenever they slept in the same bed close next to each other. But he was still struggling with physical contact although he always looked like he desperately wanted it.

Atsumu hardly went back to his own flat nowadays. He even stayed over in Sakusa’s flat while Sakusa was out working. Atsumu liked to interpret that as a point for Sakusa not being a serial killer, why else would he trust Atsumu to stay at his flat? But then again, he had searched the flat before and had never found anything. Atsumu was not really a person of routine but he had begun to adapt to Sakusa’s lifestyle. Sakusa’s obsession with cleaning the flat and every object right after it had been used was now simply the way things were. The smell of disinfectant agent was no longer uncomfortable, it smelled like a place that Atsumu considered his home. Besides, when Sakusa was home, there was always the soft scent of laundry detergent and Sakusa’s shampoo lingering in the air. It smelled rather nice. Atsumu often went grocery shopping so Sakusa didn’t have to, which meant that he would almost always come home at 7 PM nowadays. They made dinner together, tidied up the kitchen and sat on the wonderfully soft sofa. Atsumu wasn’t really the stay-home type and occasionally missed his real work but he kept himself busy by working out in the fitness centre down the street and finally listening to the podcast Bokuto had recommended to him ages ago. He also started reading the books and magazines that Sakusa owned, though he didn’t really enjoy any of them. The economy magazines were terribly boring and complicated. The poetry books were just as difficult to read, though Atsumu occasionally recognised one or two poems because he had read them at school. He also kept studying website design though it wasn’t really necessary. They never spoke about their work.

The first of November was a rainy day. It was a Sunday, so they were both home. Sakusa was cleaning the kitchen while Atsumu was sitting on the sofa wrapped in a blanket watching TV. He felt comfortable and cosy despite the strong smell of disinfectant that stung in his nose and eyes. He heard the kitchen cabinet open and close, followed by the sound of two cups being put down. Sakusa was making tea. A tingling feeling spread through his body, something like anticipation and it dissolved in warmth when Sakusa appeared by his side and put the two mugs on the little table in front of the sofa.

“Thanks”, Atsumu said and smiled. Sakusa hummed and sat down next to him. “Do you want to join me?” Atsumu asked and lifted a corner of the blanket. Sakusa shook his head but he sat closer to Atsumu than usual. Their legs were touching.

The melody announcing the news made Atsumu focus again on the TV screen. The reporter talked about a car crash downtown, followed by an update on trade and politics. Then there was a short clip of what looked like a fanmade shrine and graffiti.

_“It has been almost three months since the infamous serial killer called ‘The Doctor’ has murdered. While the families of the victims are still fighting for justice and the police seems to have no new leads, a group of fans have gathered to show morbid support for the serial killer. Graffiti on walls where some victims have been found ask the killer when he will come out again to clean the streets of dirty people. Some fans have even left letters on-site for the serial killer. The police is investigating those fan letters and graffiti.”_

Atsumu almost dropped his cup of tea. Those words felt like icy shards through his chest. Reality had come crushing into this cosy little delusion of being with someone who they suspected to be a wanted serial killer. What on earth had he been thinking? He didn’t want to cause any suspicion so he had to pretend not to know who Sakusa really was – or who he thought he was. He turned his head slowly and terror spread through his body. Sakusa Kiyoomi looked entirely relaxed. There was a strange look in his eyes, cold and distanced, and it scared Atsumu.

“Don’t you think that’s crazy?” Atsumu asked.

He put the cup down and was glad that he could hide his shaking hands under the blanket. Sakusa was still looking at the screen.

“What is?” Sakusa asked quietly. He sounded cautious, not as relaxed as his body looked.

Atsumu’s heart was racing in his chest. He couldn’t believe it but a part of him begged and hoped that this was not the confirmation that he was looking for. He wanted to have misinterpreted the look in Sakusa’s eyes.

“Well, being – a fan of a serial killer? Asking him to come out and murder again”, Atsumu said. “It is disgusting”, said Sakusa to Atsumu’s surprise.

There was a very dark look in Sakusa’s eyes now. Atsumu’s thoughts were racing, it was difficult trying to ask questions and check Sakusa’s reaction while trying to act like a normal person would in this scenario. He decided that it was too risky to push Sakusa further now. So he forced himself to touch Sakusa’s arm with the blanket.

“Be careful when you go outside, okay?” he said. Sakusa turned his head, he looked surprised and then the dark look in his eyes disappeared. Atsumu wanted to think that he had imagined things. Maybe the report on a serial killer and his fans had really just been very repulsive to Sakusa. It didn’t have to mean anything.

“Yeah, I will be”, Sakusa said. Then he lifted his hand and hesitated. Very slowly he reached out and touched Atsumu’s cheek. It was the first time that Sakusa was reaching out to him like this.

“It’s been over two months”, Sakusa murmured. His eyes were oddly unfocused as if he was talking to himself, deep in thought. “Maybe it’s over… maybe he won’t come back”, his words were barely more than a whisper and Atsumu breathed in heavily.

What was Sakusa saying? What did he mean? Sakusa’s eyes found Atsumu’s and the blanket slipped from Atsumu’s shoulders. As if those terrible moments, the worry and doubts from just a minute ago were gone, as if this one gaze from Sakusa had wiped his mind blank, Atsumu leaned forward. Sakusa closed the remaining distance and they kissed for the first time. Atsumu almost forgot to breathe and he was beginning to feel light-headed as he sat up to deepen the kiss. Then Sakusa pulled away very slowly. Atsumu opened his eyes.

“Too much?” he asked. Sakusa was flustered, his cheeks were reddened. “Y-No. I want this”, he said. Atsumu let his fingers run through Sakusa’s curls. It was the first time he allowed himself to touch Sakusa’s hair. It felt nice to let his fingertips run over the curves of the locks.

“Let’s take this slowly, okay?” Atsumu said. “I’m fine”, Sakusa said.

“Yeah? You sure?” Atsumu asked.

Sakusa withstood Atsumu’s gaze. Atsumu cupped Sakusa’s face and tilted his head up towards him. Then he kissed him, a soft peck on the lips, another one. Then he tilted his own head and moved his lips against Sakusa’s. Slowly Sakusa began kissing him back and time simply dissolved. Everything disappeared. This world in which Atsumu was supposed to spy on Sakusa, the rational voice in his head that reminded him of the high probability, close to certainty that Sakusa was a serial killer, everything was gone. The only thing that mattered were Sakusa’s lips on his. How warm his skin felt and how soft his hair was. How close he let him. Breathless and dizzy Atsumu found himself in Sakusa’s lap, his arms around Sakusa, their hair tousled and their faces flushed. They needed to stop before Atsumu could no longer hold back. He no longer cared about any missions or his job. What did it matter when Sakusa looked at him like that, his face leaning closer for more, more and more. What did it all matter when Sakusa liked him, genuinely liked him, wanted to kiss him just as badly as Atsumu wanted to kiss him? Atsumu’s thoughts raced ahead and he had to put a lot of effort into not taking off Sakusa’s clothes.

The doorbell rang and they both were torn out of their kiss. They turned their heads like they were schoolboys who had been caught. But the sound had only come from a commercial break. Atsumu hadn’t even realised that the TV still had been on. With a sigh Atsumu put his head on Sakusa’s shoulder, he felt Sakusa’s arm slid around his waist. The TV was switched off.

“Are you okay?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa hummed. “I’ll have to brush my teeth… soon. Very soon”, he said then. Atsumu chuckled into Sakusa’s shoulder.

“But this is too nice”, Sakusa said quietly. Atsumu’s heart skipped a beat. “Go brush your teeth and come back, Omi”, he whispered. “We don’t have to kiss, we can just cuddle”. He lifted his head and Sakusa smiled. Atsumu felt dizzy. Sakusa didn’t smile often.

“Okay, wait here”, he said. Atsumu got out of Sakusa’s lap and picked up the blanket while Sakusa went to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Sakusa returned. “Lie down”, Atsumu said and Sakusa looked a bit confused but did as he was told.

Atsumu climbed over him and settled right in the minimal gap between the sofa’s backrest and where Sakusa was lying. Atsumu pulled the blanket over them and rested his head on Sakusa’s shoulder. Sakusa shifted and Atsumu thought he was uncomfortable but instead he felt Sakusa’s arm hesitantly wrap around him. Sakusa’s hand shortly touched his back and then lingered a bit awkwardly on the sofa’s backrest. Atsumu’s heart was racing with joy and surprise that Sakusa initiated physical contact but he was worried that Sakusa was pushing himself too far.

“Why are you with me?” Sakusa asked into the silence. Atsumu turned his head surprised. Sakusa was frowning but he was looking up at the ceiling.

“What do you mean?” Atsumu asked. “Why would you like – someone like me? Wouldn’t you like it better if I was… not like that?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu slowly breathed out.

“You would enjoy life a lot more if you weren’t always so worried about germs. You know, the human body is very strong in fighting off germs”, Atsumu said. Sakusa looked at him.

“I don’t think I can change that”, Sakusa said. “I don’t mind”, Atsumu said back immediately. “Besides, don’t be so pessimistic. You already managed to be close with me and even kissed me without – I don’t know – freakin’ out."

Sakusa’s face was hard to read. “It got pretty close”, Sakusa said. “You almost freaked out?” Atsumu asked quietly.

“You sound like that’s funny”, Sakusa said.

“No, I’m not – I don’t think it’s funny”, Atsumu said. “Listen, you have to tell me when you can’t take it anymore. Don’t push yourself”. Sakusa frowned.

“You’re worried that I’ll get tired of holdin’ back?” Atsumu guessed. “Look, I already am holdin’ back. All the time. Everyone is holdin’ back. We all want somethin’ and we have to… control ourselves to hold it in. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly good at it but if it’s with you, I won’t get ever tired of it”, Atsumu said. Something flickered in Sakusa’s eyes.

“What do you want?” Sakusa asked, he was almost whispering. “So much”, Atsumu murmured, running his fingers over Sakusa’s cheek. A thin line appeared between Sakusa’s brows. Too much. Atsumu pulled his hand back.

“Even stuff you shouldn’t – you can’t have?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu laughed. “Of course”. Sakusa seemed to think for a moment.

“What do you do when you – want something really badly but you know that you shouldn’t – shouldn’t …” Sakusa asked slowly. He frowned.

“Uhm, like… a cravin’?” Atsumu asked confused.

Sakusa looked at him, he suddenly looked very different. He had a strange blazing gaze in his eyes. For a moment it scared Atsumu, it reminded him too much of the moment before. The moment he had so hastily pushed from his mind. Sakusa’s odd reaction to the TV report on The Doctor.

“I don’t know”, Atsumu said. He wasn’t good at this. If he wanted something, he took it, worked for it or fought for it. He was not someone to give in easily.

“I guess… I find somethin’ else. Somethin’ I can have instead”, he murmured. “Something I can have instead”, Sakusa repeated thoughtfully and his face softened.

Atsumu could no longer relax, he was torn. He didn’t want to get up, because he loved cuddling with Sakusa but he had the distinct feeling that this conversation had been about something else entirely. In those small bits, the looks, the things Sakusa had said, he found confirmation for something he didn’t want. Atsumu ignored the tiny rational voice in his head, the one that was still a detective, that told him what he was being stupid because his heart desperately wanted to believe that it could work. He could be with Sakusa and then Sakusa would not go back to killing. Maybe he had never ever killed anyone. Maybe it had all been a mistake. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Atsumu didn’t even think much about the fact that he had not asked Sakusa back, why he on the other hand was with him, why he liked him. If Atsumu had thought about it, he would have to acknowledge that he was scared of the answer.

The next morning, Atsumu woke up and found that Sakusa was already up. He heard him in the kitchen. When Atsumu sat up, he felt extremely exhausted although he had slept full 8 hours. It was already half past 9. “Good mornin’”, he murmured as he stumbled into the kitchen. Sakusa was just tidying up his dishes.

“Good morning. Is something wrong?” he asked eyeing Atsumu. “You’re not getting sick, are you?” he added. There was a panicked undertone. Atsumu shook his head.

“No, I’m just… still tired. A lot on my mind”, he said. “I’ll just go down to the gym and work out or somethin’, that’ll clear my head”. Sakusa nodded and proceeded to make Atsumu a tea.

“When’s your birthday?” he asked as he put the cup down. “My what?” Atsumu asked surprised. He felt himself slowly waking up as he sipped the hot beverage.

“Your birthday”, Sakusa repeated. “5th October, why?” Atsumu said as he got up and shoved two slices of bread into the toaster.

“But that was… almost a month ago. We already knew each other”, Sakusa said startled. Atsumu turned around. “Yeah."

Sakusa cleared his throat. “Never mind”, he muttered. “I’ll have to go. See you tonight."

Atsumu stepped close for a kiss but he saw Sakusa’s eyebrows furrow. Atsumu sighed, he had not yet washed his face or brushed his teeth. “For that you’ll owe me at least two kisses tonight”, Atsumu said. Sakusa rolled his eyes.

“Sure”, he murmured. “If you have showered until then”, he added.

“I will if you come back to me”, Atsumu said. Sakusa turned around. “What?” he asked. The words had just slipped out of his mind. Thankfully only the part of the sentence that was save to say. _Come home instead of killing someone_ , was what Atsumu had meant.

“I meant… to be careful and take care so you can come back to me”, Atsumu said. Sakusa opened his mouth. He put his bag onto the dining table, cupped Atsumu’s face and kissed him.

When Sakusa let go, Atsumu blinked startled. “What -?” he stuttered. “See you tonight”, Sakusa said but instead of leaving he went into the bathroom. Atsumu followed him and saw that Sakusa hurriedly brushed his teeth with an agonised face.

“Do I still get two kisses tonight?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa stood up and wiped his face with a towel. He scowled. “Do I?” Atsumu asked. “Please?”

He followed Sakusa to the door. “Yeah”, Sakusa grunted. Atsumu beamed. The door closed and when Atsumu walked back into the kitchen his eyes fell on the camera on the intercom. Sakusa was still standing in front of the door, but he stood with his back to the door. Then after a few seconds he left.

Atsumu made sure to shower and brush his teeth so he was all clean and ready at 7 PM sharp. But Sakusa didn’t come home at 7 PM and half an hour later he was still not home. Atsumu paced through the flat like an imprisoned animal. Sakusa occasionally came home at 8 PM, it wasn’t unusual but with all the changes that their relationship had gone through, Atsumu couldn’t help but feel anxious. He had been worried and thought about what he had said all day long. He had been scared that he had given himself away and that Sakusa had understood what Atsumu had meant. Come back to me without killing anyone, come back to me and find that something else in me.

At 8 PM Atsumu paced the three steps up and down in front of the intercom. A terrifying thought was plaguing him. What if Sakusa was the one thing Atsumu wanted but Sakusa would turn out to be the one thing he could not have, ever. Because he shouldn’t feel like that for Sakusa. He shouldn’t want him so much. What if he, Atsumu, had to find something else? Atsumu knew that it would come like this. If Sakusa killed again, he would have to arrest him and he would lose him forever. Mixed feelings overwhelmed him as he remembered how he had not sent the fingerprints and DNA he had collected to his team but had got rid of them instead. Would he continue doing this? What if Sakusa killed someone, would Atsumu give him an alibi? Would he wash off any DNA and destroy evidence just so he could continue being with Sakusa?

He shook his head. No, that was rubbish. He wouldn’t do that, if Sakusa really killed someone then he it would end. So he had to simply focus on hindering Sakusa from killing anyone. If Sakusa had ever even killed someone, he reminded himself. You don't know yet whether Sakusa is The Doctor for sure.

The minutes passed and Atsumu checked his phone multiple times, not for messages by Sakusa because he didn’t own a phone, but for news. There was nothing unusual happening, however. Half past 8 PM. He was scared. Then with a click the door unlocked and Atsumu almost screamed. Sakusa looked startled when Atsumu jumped at him and threw his arms around him.

“Why are you so late? I was so worried, how dare you do this to me?” Atsumu nearly shouted.

“What?” Sakusa stuttered, he pushed the door shut behind him. He was carrying a paper bag.

“You’re super late! I thought – you don’t have a phone so I wouldn’t know –“, Atsumu said. Sakusa sighed.

“Why are you exaggerating so much? I told you I’d come back. I had to buy something”, he said. “Will you let me take off my coat, please?” 

Atsumu stepped back and Sakusa took off his coat and sprayed it down with disinfectant spray. Sakusa took off his mask and shoes. Atsumu waited until Sakusa returned from the bathroom. Sakusa was holding the large fancy paper bag. “Here”, Sakusa said and handed him the bag. “What’s that?” Atsumu asked confused.

“Late birthday present”, Sakusa said and walked into the kitchen. Atsumu put the bag down on the dining table and took out something soft that was wrapped in perfumed white paper. He had never received anything that looked this expensive. Atsumu unwrapped it and inside was a black pyjama, the same nice one that Sakusa had. But instead of the white lines on the collar and sleeves, there were deep wine-red lines. He looked up and saw that Sakusa had returned to watch him unpack. Atsumu pressed his lips shut and quickly walked over to Sakusa and hugged him.

“A couple’s pyjama?” he asked. “A couple’s -?” Sakusa started.

“Don’t ruin it. You have the same one”, Atsumu said. “Yes, you can’t go on sleeping just in your boxers”, Sakusa said. “I thought you liked the view?” Atsumu said.

There was a faint red on Sakusa’s cheeks but he groaned disgruntled. “You’ll only catch a cold if you don’t put on clothes when you sleep. And if you so much as have a runny nose, you’ll be banned to your own flat”, Sakusa said. Atsumu pulled Sakusa down and kissed him. “I’ll be extra careful not to catch a cold. And I’ll wear your pyjamas”, he said. Sakusa scowled but when he turned around Atsumu caught Sakusa suppressing a smile.

“I’ll wear them immediately”, Atsumu started. “No, put them in the laundry!” Sakusa called. With a sigh Atsumu stuffed the pyjamas in the washing machine and pulled out other black clothes to fill up the machine, then he switched it on. He wanted to wear them as soon as possible. He hummed happily as he closed the laundry basket.

The TV was on when he came back into the living room where Sakusa was setting the table. “Oh, look”, Atsumu called. They were showing a clip of the beautiful red and golden autumn leaves in a park.

“I haven’t been outside at all to look at the leaves, so they’re still nice”, Atsumu murmured.

“You usually do that?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu nodded. “Well, back home we would go hiking and take pictures”, he said. “We lived near the countryside”. Sakusa hummed.

“You’ve never done that?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa shook his head.

“Your parents never took you to view the autumn leaves?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa’s face looked stony. “No.”

His voice sounded sharp and cold. He always had turned cold and terse when Atsumu had asked him questions about his childhood or family. So far Atsumu had only gathered that Sakusa had older siblings but the age gap was so large that he barely even knew them. Sakusa never spoke a word about his parents, whenever Atsumu had asked about them Sakusa had cut off the conversation. From the little bits and pieces, it sounded like Sakusa had had a very lonely childhood.

Sakusa’s mood would often change suddenly like that. He’d surprise Atsumu with sudden affection at the most unexpected times and then suddenly he was reserved again and didn’t want to talk. Their relationship was always moving in jumps that could have caused one motion sickness. One large jump ahead, then a sharp turn back. It was like a whirlpool, dragging him down deeper and deeper, making him lose any sense of up and down.

“Why don’t we try it?” Atsumu suggested quickly as he noticed Sakusa’s expression. “What?” Sakusa asked.

“We don’t have to go on a long hike. Let’s go just for a walk in the park”, Atsumu said. “If it’s really popular then I guess there will be a lot of people”, Sakusa said tensely.

“We can take a route where there aren’t too many people”, Atsumu said. “In Tokyo?” Sakusa asked sceptically.

Atsumu smiled. “I’ll find a secluded place”, he said.

In fact, he already knew a few spots. Investigating murders came with the knowledge of many secluded places. Such morbid knowledge, however, rarely came in handy. But with their relationship nothing seemed to be odd anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you so much for all your comments and kudos on the last chapter!! I had never expected so much~  
> I can't even express how much it means to me to read your comments <3  
> I hope you keep on enjoying this story!
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter comes a bit late, I'm having a rough time atm due to medical reasons, but I'm doing my best so that the next chapter will be up in one week!


	6. Something else

Atsumu spent the next days walking through the secluded parks he knew, trying to find one where there were still nice autumn colours but not too many people. But he soon figured that they would have to take the train out of the city to find a suitable one. He was on the way back when he thought he had seen a familiar face disappearing quickly into a bus. He turned around and waited until the bus drove past him. He frowned and narrowed his eyes, looking for that attention-grabbing silver hair of Bokuto. He could not spot him in the crowded bus. His old life felt strangely distant as if he really was now a website designer who worked home office and lived together with his boyfriend in a nice apartment and who’s biggest problem at the moment was that he had to find a good place to go for a walk.

Sometimes he caught himself planning out his future together with Sakusa. He forgot that he was not actually a website designer and would not have a job if he just ran away with Sakusa, he forgot who Sakusa was because it was easy to. He was almost entirely sure by now that Sakusa was The Doctor. But whenever his rational side would overwhelm him with anxiety and warnings that he was doing something incredibly stupid, he chose to focus on the fact that he had no hard evidence yet that Sakusa was in fact the wanted serial killer. Besides, Atsumu was convinced that Sakusa could stop, he just needed to find that ‘something else instead’ to do and he desperately wanted to be the one for Sakusa. Each tiny bit more that Sakusa allowed him to touch or do felt like winning a trophy. Sakusa had let Atsumu interlace their hands once and was growing to enjoy cuddling.

It was the Friday after their first kiss. Atsumu shortly looked up from the laptop screen when Sakusa came home.

“I’m home”, Sakusa said and headed straight for the bathroom to wash his hands. “Hi, welcome home!” Atsumu called. He got up and kissed Sakusa as he returned from the bathroom. “I found a nice park. It’s… a bit… outside of the city. We’d have to take the train there but it’s just a 40 minute ride. Would that be alright?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa looked hesitant. “Fine”, he murmured then.

The next day they got up early and got onto the train. It was very cloudy and not really the best day for going for a walk but since they had already planned it, they went through with it. Sakusa looked at everything on the train with so much scepticism and disgust that Atsumu was sure he would get off at the next stop and say he couldn’t do it. But Sakusa bore with it without a word. His intimidating scowl, however, kept other passengers away and no one would dare to sit close to them. “This is us”, Atsumu whispered when their stop was announced. Sakusa looked very relieved as soon as they stepped out into cool and fresh air.

Atsumu led the way out of the small town on a lonely road through rice fields up a little hill to small woods. He took a deep breath.

“Ah, this is so refreshin’. The air in Tokyo really is horrible compared to this. I missed having no high-rise buildings all around me”, Atsumu sighed and leaned his head back. When Sakusa said nothing, Atsumu turned his head. “Relax, it’s November all bugs are dead. Let’s go." Sakusa looked surprised.

“How did you know I was thinking of –“, Sakusa started and Atsumu smirked. “We’re dating”, he said.

Sakusa looked away with a scowl. They were entirely alone in the woods. The leaves and branches cracked under their feet as they walked in silence. Most leaves had already fallen but there were still enough to give them the feeling of walking through fire. Red, golden and orange. When they reached a clearing, Atsumu couldn’t help but let out a happy yell.

“Look, the sky cleared up. Wow”, Atsumu called and rushed into the middle of the clearing and spun around. The trees formed a wonderful golden-red circle and a pale blue sky stretched over their heads. A little dizzy but still laughing, he stopped and turned to look for Sakusa.

“Come here”, Atsumu called and reached out his hands. Only then he saw that Sakusa was staring at him. “Are you okay?” Atsumu asked hurrying over to him. Sakusa lifted his gloved hands slowly and then cupped Atsumu’s face.

“You’re beautiful”, Sakusa murmured.

Atsumu almost lost his balance and he could feel heat rise fast into his head. Atsumu leaned closer and tilted his head. Their lips were almost touching but he could feel Sakusa hesitating. “There’s no one around”, Atsumu whispered. Then he felt Sakusa’s lips on his. When Sakusa let go, Atsumu opened his eyes and wished the moment could last forever. He could live in it.

“I want to take a picture”, he said. “What?” Sakusa said startled.

“Of us together”, Atsumu said and pulled out his phone. “I hate taking pictures”, Sakusa said and his brows furrowed. He turned his head away.

“It’s just for me, no one will ever see it. I miss you”, Atsumu said. Sakusa turned his head back to him. “What are you talking about? I’m right here”, Sakusa said.

“When you’re at work I wanna take out my phone and look at you. I wanna remember you like this, exactly like this here”, Atsumu said. “This moment”. Sakusa was still frowning.

“Then just keep it in your mind?” he said. “I will but then I can’t look at it when I’m 80 and forgetful”, Atsumu said.

“Why would you … look at a picture of us when you’re 80?” Sakusa murmured.

“To remember what we looked like when we were young and to compare which one of us aged better”, Atsumu said and couldn’t suppress a grin. Sakusa flushed.

“You think you’ll be with me when we’re 80?” Sakusa asked. Atsumu frowned. “Yeah, why not?”

Sakusa looked away. “We only started dating and you …”, Sakusa murmured. “Because I want to be with you, I love you”, Atsumu burst out. Sakusa looked at him. For some reason he looked pained.

“You wouldn’t if…”, he started and then interrupted himself.

“You wouldn’t know that!" Atsumu called. "Why do you always have to bring that up when we're - when it's so nice? You always say somethin'... like you don't believe that I really care about you or that I - that I really love you". Atsumu glared frustrated at Sakusa who just glanced down at him and said nothing. 

“Is this about the… the thing you can’t have but want more than anythin' else?” Atsumu asked. “I’ll help you find somethin' else that could be good enough to keep you… away from that."

They were dangerously close to the topic. What if Sakusa confessed now? He couldn’t have that. He would have to arrest him. But would he? Deep inside Atsumu knew who Sakusa was, he had started this mission with the conviction that Sakusa was a serial killer and then slowly doubts had grown and had won him over to believe that he was wrong about Sakusa. But Sakusa had mentioned something twice already that made Atsumu believe that his initial suspicion was right, and now it was hardly doubt that kept Atsumu from accepting what he already knew.

“Good enough?” Sakusa said. “That’s not the problem, Atsumu, I already found something that is more than good enough. Better even”, he said. Atsumu froze.

“What?” he asked. His nerves were tingling. “What is the problem then?” 

“One day you will know what I … wanted. I’ll tell you… one day”, Sakusa said.

“So what?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa shook his head. “Long before we’re 80, Atsumu”, Sakusa said.

He averted his eyes. Tap, tap, tap. His fingers were drumming against his coat. But he seemed to realise what he was doing because his hand tensed up and he stopped tapping his fingers.

Atsumu felt like he was going to burst. He wanted to tell Sakusa that he knew and that it didn’t matter because it was in the past. The doctor would never return. Like Sakusa had said. It was in the past. So much time had passed since the last murder. This relationship that he had rushed into because it served the purpose of allowing him close access to Sakusa had grown into a real one but that didn’t change the fact that once this relationship had served its purpose it would have to end. He was living a fake life, he was undercover. It was a game and Atsumu had forgotten that he was playing. He had only ever done this to gain evidence, to bring Sakusa down. He had quite forgotten that they were _both_ keeping something from each other. Now they were here and Atsumu couldn’t believe that this beautiful dream-like moment would come crushing down so harshly. He couldn’t let go off this tiny shred of hope that he could wrestle fate and bend reality so that they could be together. Because it was no lie.

He _was_ in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi and he would have given anything to be with him until he was 80 and beyond. It was not a cheesy line he had said to sway Sakusa, he had meant it. He had never felt like that before and it was overwhelming. A life without Sakusa seemed wrong, he could no longer imagine being without him, he couldn’t imagine the clock striking 7 PM or 8 PM without Sakusa coming home, he couldn't imagine sleeping without him.

“Come”, Atsumu said and took Sakusa’s hands. He pulled him into the clearing and then slowly started turning in a circle.

“What… what are you doing?” Sakusa asked.

“Somethin’ else”, Atsumu said. Sakusa closed his eyes. “Okay”, he said.

He let Atsumu spin them slowly around in a gentle dance until Atsumu bumped dizzily into him and they kissed.

“Take the picture”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu’s eyes glowed. He pulled out his phone and still nuzzled into Sakusa’s chest, he took a picture and another one. He hesitated and the tiptoed and kissed Sakusa’s cheek. Sakusa turned his head in surprise and Atsumu kissed him on the lips while secretly taking another picture. He pushed his phone back into his jacket and then snuck his arms around Sakusa’s waist to pull him closer.

They walked back in silence and Sakusa was quiet on the train ride home but he rested his hand against Atsumu’s. He even allowed Atsumu to interlace their gloved fingers and for Atsumu to hide their hands in Sakusa’s deep coat pocket. Happily Atsumu smiled at Sakusa and Sakusa abruptly looked away. Somehow Sakusa was able to blush and scowl at the same time. At home they peeled out of their clothes and Sakusa drew a bath.

“Can I join?” Atsumu asked excited. “No”, Sakusa said with a glare. “Baths are a germ fest”.

Atsumu pouted. “But I’ll properly shower before. Why not?” Sakusa shook his head.

“And can I at least get in after you?” Atsumu asked. “Sure but you’ll not be sleeping in my bed then”, Sakusa said.

“Why? It is your own bathwater”, Atsumu called in disbelief. “Fine, it’s super wasteful but I’m going to draw my own bath then. Is that allowed?”

“Yeah”, Sakusa murmured.

Atsumu sat on the sofa while Sakusa was taking a bath. He looked at the pictures he had taken. The first one was a little blurry, the second one was nice. He set it as his phone screen saver. Then he looked at the others, Sakusa looked slightly annoyed in almost all of them. Atsumu stopped and looked at the last one. Their kiss. Somehow their little dark talk was fading in contrast to the moment on the clearing, the moment when Sakusa had called him beautiful, the way he had cupped his face. It was always like that. Sakusa would say something, something would happen to remind Atsumu who Sakusa was and he was overcome with anxiety and self-hate for what he was doing but then it would all dissolve when Sakusa kissed him or allowed him closer than before. It was always a step back, seeing reason, and then a gigantic leap forward, being blinded by love.

Sakusa returned from the bath and Atsumu quickly got up to take his own bath. It was hot and steamy in the bathroom. When he took off the coverings from the bathtub he saw to his surprise that it was already letting in fresh water. He took a shower and then slid into the hot bath with a sigh as his body relaxed. He leaned his head back against the cool wall and felt so comfortable that he almost fell asleep. He splashed his face with water and then finally got out. He dried off and slipped into the soft pyjama that Sakusa had given him as a birthday present. He had never worn a pyjama before but now he would wear it every night. Of course he had to wash it every second day or he would not be allowed to sleep in Sakusa’s bed.

When he came out of the bathroom, it was dark in the flat. Only a small lamp was on in the living room. Sakusa was sitting on the sofa, he was holding a cup of tea. He looked up when Atsumu walked in. “You’re angry with me”, Sakusa said without any preamble.

“What?” Atsumu said startled. “What makes you say that?” Sakusa scowled. “Because of the bath”, he said. Atsumu blinked.

“What? Oh, that. I’m not mad, Omi”, he said and rolled his eyes. “Thanks for preparin’ the water”.

Sakusa said nothing and simply glared at the table. Atsumu sat down next to him. “One day you might feel comfortable bathin’ with me, until then, we can take a bath separately. Whatever”, he said. Sakusa still said nothing.

“But I know how you could make it up to me”, Atsumu added quietly. Sakusa immediately turned his head and Atsumu had to supress a laugh.

“We’re both showered and clean, right?” he said quietly.

Sakusa nodded and waited for Atsumu to continue. Atsumu said nothing, he leaned forward and kissed Sakusa. Sakusa responded rather tentatively. Atsumu’s hands rested on Sakusa’s chest.

“Can I take it off?” he whispered against Sakusa’s lips. Sakusa hesitated.

“Okay”, he said then.

Atsumu unbuttoned the shirt slowly while deepening their kiss. He slid his hands under the shirt and pushed it off Sakusa’s shoulders.

“You tell me when to stop, okay?” Atsumu said quietly.

“What are you doing?” Sakusa asked as Atsumu gently pushed him onto his back on the sofa.

Atsumu climbed onto Sakusa’s lap and then leaned down. He pressed his lips against Sakusa’s collarbone. His skin was still warm from the bath. Atsumu took his time as he worked his way down the collarbone to Sakusa’s chest. He gently ran his fingertips over Sakusa’s nipples, which finally got a reaction. Sakusa flinched. Atsumu stopped and looked up.

“Too much?” he asked. Sakusa had his lips pressed into a thin line but he shook his head. “You sure? We can stop any time”, Atsumu said.

“It’s alright”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu leaned down and planted kisses down Sakusa’s exposed chest and stomach. He heard how Sakusa’s breaths got shaky as he slid off from Sakusa’s lap so he could reach further down. He was sitting between Sakusa’s long legs now. His nose levelled with Sakusa’s belly button. His chin was brushing against the fine material of Sakusa’s pyjama pants. He waited for a few seconds then he let his hands run down the insides of Sakusa’s legs. They immediately started to tremble and Sakusa gasped a little. When Atsumu’s hands met on Sakusa’s crotch he realised with a content but also surprised feeling that Sakusa was hard. He looked up. Sakusa had pressed the back of his right hand over his mouth and was looking away. His chest was heaving. Atsumu’s hands tensed at this sight.

“I’ll take your pants off, okay?” Atsumu said quietly.

Sakusa hummed muffled. Atsumu pulled them down but when he tried to take off Sakusa’s boxers as well, Sakusa’s legs tensed up and he slid backwards.

“Sorry”, Atsumu started. “Not… on the sofa”, Sakusa said. He sounded breathless.

“Okay”, Atsumu said relieved and quickly climbed down from the sofa.

He helped Sakusa to get up and they stumbled through the darkness into the bedroom. He took off his own shirt and when they climbed onto the bed, they were both naked. They had never been this close before and yet Sakusa did not back down. He slid his arms around Atsumu bringing them even closer. Their chests were pressed against together, their legs were entangled as they kissed.

Breathlessly Atsumu pulled back. “Do you want to go on?” he asked, blood rushing in his ears and his heart racing in his chest. He internally begged for Sakusa to say yes.

“Yeah”, Sakusa said just as breathless. “I – I’ll go and grab a condom, okay? I have some in my bag”, Atsumu said.

“Bedside drawer”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu was surprised but he swung his legs off the bed and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Then he opened the drawer. “You’ve got lube and condoms?” he asked surprised. Sakusa didn’t look at him.

“I told you, I want this”, Sakusa murmured.

“Okay”, Atsumu said, he couldn’t and surely wouldn’t hide how happy that made him. He hesitated, then he propped up Sakusa’s legs and opened the bottle of lube. He coated his fingers generously and looked up.

“Will you be okay with that?” he asked cautiously. Sakusa nodded so Atsumu pushed one finger in. In the light of the small lamp he could see that Sakusa showed no reaction. Carefully he began prepping Sakusa, but just as he had put on the condom, he saw and felt Sakusa’s legs tense up.

“If you’re not ready…”, Atsumu said quietly. Sakusa shook his head.

“That’s not it”, he murmured. He looked embarrassed.

“Wait”, Atsumu said. “Is this… your first time?” Sakusa’s already flushed cheeks turned a deeper shade of red.

“Why on earth didn’t you tell me that?” Atsumu called. “God, I need to know that!" Sakusa bit his lip.

“Hey”, Atsumu whispered and leaned over. “That’s okay. You should have just told me…”. Sakusa looked at him.

“Do you want me to prep you a little more?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa pulled a grimace. “Just put it in, Atsumu”.

Atsumu hesitated. “It’ll be – uncomfortable at first. Especially since it’s your first time. I’m goin’ to be careful, okay? I won’t move until you say it’s okay, but it’ll take a bit to get used to the feelin’”, he said. Sakusa took a deep breath.

“Stop talking. Just do it”.

Atsumu gently rubbed Sakusa’s thighs. “Try to relax”, he said and then pushed in.

Sakusa gasped and his face immediately contorted. Atsumu waited although he felt like he was going to melt. His arms were shaking. A minute or so later, Sakusa nodded. He had closed his eyes. Atsumu began moving very slowly but immediately stopped when he saw that Sakusa was clearly in discomfort.

“Why are you stopping?” Sakusa said breathing hard.

“I don’t want to hurt you”, Atsumu said. “Listen, it’s okay if it’s not… you can try and top if you want”, he suggested. Sakusa frowned. “But –“, he said. Atsumu raised his eyebrows.

“Okay”, Sakusa said trembling. Atsumu laid on his back and Sakusa sat up.

“Just do what I did. I’ll talk you through it. Oh wait”, Atsumu said and climbed from the bed.

He returned a few seconds later with hand wipes. Sakusa was definitely doing this for the first time, he had a very concentrated look on his face as he pushed his fingers into Atsumu. Atsumu tried his best to explain to Sakusa what he had to do. Then Sakusa hesitated and quickly wiped his sticky fingers with the wipes on the bedside table. It had been a while since Atsumu last had had sex. His last relationship was ages ago, but he had had a few casual things earlier that year. Sakusa lifted Atsumu’s legs as he pushed into him. He looked up nervously at Atsumu and Atsumu smiled.

“Kiss me, Omi”, he whispered and Sakusa leaned down to kiss him.

His hands ran through Sakusa’s hair and his fingers clenched when Sakusa began moving. Sweat pearls were rolling down Sakusa’s temples and his chest and the pleasure seemed to drive out all his usual worries because he didn’t complain when Atsumu wrapped his legs around him. It was messy, the stumbling rhythm, the hesitation but when Sakusa held him and they kissed until they both came, Atsumu thought that this was the best sex he had ever had. He couldn’t recall that anyone had ever held him like that, had kissed him like that, had overcome his own fears of closeness to be with him.

“I guess… we gotta take another shower, huh?” Atsumu murmured sleepily. Sakusa hummed. His face was buried in the pillow next to Atsumu’s head. Sakusa had to be really exhausted because he didn’t immediately jump up but remained on top of Atsumu, although they were both sweaty and sticky.

“Can we shower together?” Atsumu asked and turned his head. Sakusa lifted his head.

“Uh-huh”, he murmured.

Atsumu smiled. Sakusa didn’t get up, instead he turned his head and continued to look at Atsumu. His eyes were hazy. Atsumu gently brushed back a loose curl that was hanging into Sakusa’s face.

“Come, before we fall asleep. You’d be mad tomorrow if we fell asleep like this”, Atsumu said gently.

He rolled to the side so Sakusa slid down from him. Then he took Sakusa’s hands and pulled him off the bed. They stumbled through the living room into the bathroom and showered.

“Don’t fall asleep, Omi-Omi”, Atsumu laughed and ruffled Sakusa’s hair. “Hm”, Sakusa made.

But Atsumu could feel the drowsiness increase through the warm water. They switched off the lights in the living room and hurriedly pulled off the sheets from the bed and roughly got the fresh ones to stay on. Then they collapsed into the pillows, Atsumu snuggled into Sakusa’s chest and felt Sakusa’s arms around him just as he fell asleep.

When Atsumu woke up, Sakusa was still in bed next to him. Usually Sakusa was already up, making breakfast when Atsumu woke up. Atsumu lifted his head and saw that Sakusa was awake. Had he not gotten up because Atsumu was lying more or less on top of him and he hadn’t wanted to wake him?

“Good mornin’”, Atsumu said. Sakusa hummed in response. He was tense.

“Are you okay?” Sakusa asked after a short pause.

“What do you mean?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa scowled.

“You didn’t hurt me, Omi. I’m fine. Just… a little sore, maybe?” Atsumu said. He was lying. His hips were very sore and he could feel an uncomfortable pain stretching from his butt to his lower back.

“It was nice”, Atsumu whispered and gently nudged Sakusa. Sakusa frowned. “Was it… not?” Atsumu added worried. Sakusa immediately looked at him.

“Oh, it was! I wasn’t sure whether you… you know… liked it because I…”, he stuttered. How weird. Sakusa had never stuttered like this before. He looked embarrassed.

“Bein’ with you like this is more than I could have ever asked for”, Atsumu said. Sakusa’s mouth twitched. “Yep, I read the book you left on the livin’ room table”, Atsumu added. Sakusa made a sound that was half huffing, half groan.

“I didn’t think you’d read romance”, Atsumu said.

“I usually don’t”, Sakusa said.

Sakusa usually read magazines or occasionally poetry. He had the odd habit of using a blank small paper as a bookmark. Instead of underlining sentences he liked or marking the books, he would write the book page and line onto the paper he used as a bookmark. Suddenly Atsumu wondered whether Sakusa had read that romantic book to gather an idea what relationships were supposed to look like.

“Omi, from the very start we had to figure out how we could make things work… it’s always like that in relationships. Everythin’ takes work and practice”, he added with a smile. “And I volunteer for another round of practice tonight”. Sakusa groaned and got up.

“Oh come on”, Atsumu nagged.

“Stay in bed, I’ll make breakfast”, Sakusa said.

“I’m allowed to eat breakfast in bed?” Atsumu called excited. Sakusa pulled a grimace. “No, absolutely not”.

Then he squatted down and picked up the dirty bed sheets from yesterday night which they had thrown on the floor. Atsumu listened to Sakusa doing the laundry and then the unmistakable sound of the disinfectant spray made Atsumu guess that Sakusa was spraying down the sofa.

Atsumu happily turned his face into the pillows and let out a really stupid giggle. Then he touched the space where Sakusa had lain. It was still warm.

“Atsumu, breakfast is done”, Sakusa said suddenly. “Did you fall asleep again?”

Atsumu sat up and blinked. He had drifted into a comfortable haze of imagining how they would spend Christmas together, wondering what he could buy for Sakusa.

“Sorry”, he said and carefully climbed down from the bed. Sakusa walked cautiously by his side into the kitchen.

“You made omurice!” Atsumu called surprised. “Is that a flower?” Atsumu asked pointing at the ketchup drawing on top.

“It’s an autumn leaf”, Sakusa said. Atsumu stole a quick kiss and then sat down to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took a little longer to update and thank you for understanding!!  
> I still haven't recovered fully but I'm feeling a lot better, so I hope I'm able to update quicker this time!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter <3   
> thank you so so much for leaving kudos and comments!! It really means a lot to me!!


	7. One night in December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads-up: this is an extra long chapter

Atsumu was taking notes when Sakusa came home.

“Christmas to-do list?” Sakusa read over his shoulder. Atsumu lifted his head to kiss Sakusa.

“Well, tomorrow is the first of December, so we gotta plan”.

Sakusa raised his eyebrows. “We are not having KFC for Christmas”, he said. Atsumu gasped.

“But that’s a Christmas tradition!” he called. Sakusa shook his head. “Absolutely not”. Atsumu grunted but crossed the words off the list.

“Can we at least bake a Christmas cake then?” he asked. Sakusa hummed. “Why not just buy one?” he asked. Atsumu sighed.

“You don’t like Christmas?” Atsumu asked when he saw Sakusa’s face. Sakusa scrunched his nose. “Not really”, he said.

“It’s a holiday for couples”, Atsumu said and stood up. He wrapped his arms around Sakusa’s waist. “Our first holiday together”, he said.

Sakusa turned around. They bumped into the table as their passionate kiss made them lose balance. With a clatter the pen Atsumu had used fell from the table. They bumped into the doorframe on their way to the bedroom. Their clothes fell carelessly to the floor. Sakusa would complain later and they would still do it all over again. Like always.

A loud gasp escaped Sakusa when Atsumu pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Sakusa lifted his hands and Atsumu knew what to do, he intertwined their fingers. Pure bliss flooded his system.

The bed was creaking with their movements. Sakusa pulled on Atsumu’s hands.

“Kiss me, kiss me”, he gasped. Atsumu leaned down and happily obliged. What bliss it was to hear Sakusa ask for a kiss. He wanted to pull back but Sakusa had let go off his hands and had his fingers in Atsumu’s hair, holding him close.

“I love you”.

Sakusa had whispered it into Atsumu’s neck, so it was barely audible. Atsumu’s legs began to tremble. Sakusa looked up and Atsumu thought of a thousand things he wanted to reply but somehow he couldn’t put it into words. Just saying I love you, too, seemed nowhere enough.

But Sakusa seemed to understand because he smiled softly.

The next morning Atsumu woke up unusually early. It was cold in the bedroom and Atsumu shivered. He rolled over and saw that Sakusa was sitting up right in bed. He had a frown on his face. Tap, tap, tap. His fingers were drumming nervously against his leg.

“Mornin’, why on earth is the window open?” Atsumu murmured. “Omi?”

Sakusa turned his head surprised. “Good morning”, he said.

“Aren’t you cold?” Atsumu asked shivering. “No, sorry. I’ll close the window”, Sakusa said and got up.

“Is everythin’ okay?” Atsumu asked when he came into the kitchen a few minutes later. Sakusa’s face was like a mask but it immediately turned back to normal upon hearing Atsumu’s voice.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah. Sure”, Sakusa said. Atsumu went grocery shopping while Sakusa went to work and had the dinner ready when Sakusa returned. By now Atsumu had learned to cook from helping Sakusa every evening and he had gotten quite decent at it. Sure, nowhere close to how good Sakusa was or Osamu…

Atsumu quickly pushed the thought of his brother out of his mind. He rarely thought of his old life now, every reminder was annoying.

When Sakusa came home, he looked exhausted and he hardly ate anything. “Are you getting’ sick?” Atsumu asked worried, although he knew that was a question best not to ask. Sakusa shook his head. His fingers were drumming on the table. Tap, tap, tap.

“Somethin’ goin’ on at work?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa jerked his head.

“Kind of. It’ll be fine”, Sakusa said.

“I can draw you a bath”, Atsumu said carefully. “Don’t worry. I’ll clean up”, he added. But Sakusa shook his head firmly.

“No, I’ll clean. It’ll help getting my mind off things”, he said. Atsumu switched the bathtub on while Sakusa was cleaning the kitchen. He indeed looked a bit more relaxed when he was done. Then much to Atsumu’s surprise, Sakusa pulled him into a kiss and ushered him into the bedroom.

The next day Sakusa came home just as stressed and exhausted. “If you don’t eat anythin’ you’ll really get sick”, Atsumu said. “Is it that bad?” he added. Sakusa shook his head.

“It’s fine. I’m just not hungry”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu settled in front of the TV while Sakusa cleaned the kitchen.

“Join me, Omi”, Atsumu said when Sakusa came into the living room with a broom. Sakusa shortly glimpsed at the TV and then swept the floor. Once he was done, however, he sat down next to Atsumu. A programme about local food was on and Atsumu turned his head to Sakusa. Sakusa looked tense.

“Hey”, Atsumu said quietly and touched Sakusa’s shoulder. Sakusa recoiled at the touch and Atsumu was startled.

“What’s wrong?” Atsumu asked. He saw a muscle twitch on Sakusa’s jaw.

“Nothing”.

Atsumu frowned. He tried to make Sakusa look at him but Sakusa rose his arms abruptly and pushed Atsumu’s hands away. “Don’t touch me!”

Atsumu sat there stunned and taken aback. “Okay”, he said. “But I just wanted to –“. Sakusa finally looked at him. His eyes were glaring darkly at him.

“I said I don’t want you near me right now!” Atsumu’s hands clenched around the blanket. Sakusa’s words hit like bullets.

“You could have at least said that more nicely”, Atsumu said quietly.

His voice was shaking from the hurt. Sakusa abruptly stood up and disappeared into the bathroom. It sounded like he was scrubbing the bathtub. Atsumu turned back to the TV, desperate to be distracted he zapped through the programme and stopped at an action movie. He had not seen one in months because Sakusa didn’t like them. Half an hour later, Sakusa emerged and went into the kitchen.

“Can you turn that off?”

Atsumu looked up. Sakusa had come into the living room and he shortly looked at the screen and then looked away with disgust.

“Well, I want to watch it”, Atsumu said stubbornly.

They both glared at each other. Getting back at Sakusa after he had been so harsh to Atsumu felt like a triumph but somehow he could not focus on the movie. He switched the TV off after he realised he had lost track of the plot. He got up and went into the kitchen. There were two cups on the counter and the electric kettle was filled with water. Atsumu suddenly felt ashamed of himself for being cruel to Sakusa just to get back at him. He switched the kettle on and prepared tea. He found Sakusa in the bedroom putting fresh sheets onto the bed. “I made tea”, Atsumu murmured and lifted the two steaming cups in his hands. Sakusa shortly looked up. “Hmm”.

Atsumu bit his lip. “I – I switched the TV off”, he said. Sakusa stopped tucking the sheets into the bedframe and stood up straight. “Okay”.

Then he finished doing the bed while Atsumu watched. Finally Sakusa walked out of the bedroom and Atsumu followed him into the living room where they both sat down on the sofa. Silence was weighing down on them heavily.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted”, Sakusa said suddenly. Atsumu looked up and felt stupid for almost bursting into tears right away.

“I’m s-sorry, Omi”, Atsumu sobbed. “I was mean, too”.

Sakusa sighed. “I just can’t – I can’t – not today”, he murmured.

“That’s okay”, Atsumu murmured and blew onto the hot tea. He shot a side glance at Sakusa and fresh pain mingled with the relief of having made up. Sakusa looked sad.

“It really is, Omi. Don’t worry”, Atsumu said again. Sakusa nodded slowly.

They went to bed and Atsumu fell asleep right away. He awoke, however, just a few hours later. A glimpse at the glowing clock-face told him that it was 4 am. He tried not to move around as not to wake Sakusa but he felt wide awake. He just considered getting up when he heard a soft sniffle. With a pang in his heart he turned his head to look at Sakusa’s silhouette in the dark. He couldn’t touch him and so he just lay there, further apart than usual because Sakusa needed space and it felt like drowning to watch Sakusa cry in secret. He didn’t dare to speak or try to comfort him. Sakusa clearly did not want him to know.

When Atsumu awoke the next morning, Sakusa was already in the shower. Sakusa had not locked the door so Atsumu walked in and brushed his teeth and washed his face. There was no hint on Sakusa’s face that he had cried in the night. He climbed out of the shower and dried himself off. Atsumu had to look at Sakusa’s naked body, water droplets running over his pale chest and legs.

“Can I kiss you?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa looked away. “I can take a shower first”, Atsumu suggested but Sakusa walked out. Atsumu really had only meant a kiss, nothing more, maybe he had stared too much.

When Atsumu came freshly showered into the kitchen, he found a cup of tea already prepared and two slices of bread in the toaster. Sakusa was standing at the kitchen counter drinking his tea.

“Thanks”, Atsumu murmured.

It was difficult that he could not approach Sakusa but he knew that Sakusa preparing breakfast for him was an apology for not letting Atsumu close. Sakusa didn’t go to work that day. He frantically cleaned the entire flat and Atsumu considered for the first time in months whether he should go back to his own flat.

“Are you leaving?” Sakusa asked when Atsumu hovered by the door.

“Do you want me to leave?” Atsumu asked back. Sakusa looked at him and the shook his head.

“Good, then I’m not leavin'”, Atsumu said. Sakusa turned around to plug in the vacuum cleaner.

“Would you leave if I asked you to?” he asked quietly. “Probably not”, Atsumu said after a long pause.

Sakusa turned his head and threw him a glance over his shoulder. Atsumu’s heart leapt when he saw that Sakusa’s lips shortly twitched into almost a smile.

Atsumu was sitting at the dinner table and was trying to do another course on website design while Sakusa continued to clean the flat. He made lunch and although Sakusa sat down with him, he refused to eat. He had already cleaned every last inch of the place but after lunch he continued to clean. It was already dark outside when Sakusa went over the floor with a wet mop for the fourth time. He had not stopped for dinner. Atsumu was just packing away the leftovers into the fridge when he saw Sakusa on the floor. He was on his knees and kept scrubbing the same place so vigorously as if there was stain he meant to remove. Only there was no stain. And he was not wearing his usual cleaning gloves.

“Omi, it’s clean”, he said and closed the fridge. “Omi”. He walked over. “Omi, stop!”

Sakusa let out a startled yell when Atsumu pulled his arms up to stop him from scrubbing the floor. “DON’T!” Sakusa shouted and his eyes flitted around panicky. He looked confused as if he had forgotten that Atsumu was there and had only just now remembered.

He shook his head and tried to return to scrubbing the already clean for where a lot of bubbles and foam had now formed. But Atsumu strengthened his hold on Sakusa’s arms.

“Let go!” Sakusa called.

“No, your hands are bleedin'”, Atsumu said.

Sakusa looked down and let out a shaky breath. He dropped the brush and stared at his cracked skin.

“Come, let’s go and wash that off”, Atsumu said carefully.

He pulled Sakusa onto his feet and gently pushed him into the bathroom. He let water run over Sakusa’s hands and then gingerly dabbed them dry.

“Here, put on this hand cream. My skin always cracks in winter time. This is the best cream, it’s not sticky at all”, Atsumu said and handed it to Sakusa.

Sakusa wordlessly poured the cream onto his hands and rubbed them slowly together. Once the skin had absorbed all the moisture, Atsumu put a bandage over Sakusa’s still bleeding knuckles.

“Here we go”, Atsumu murmured and looked up. Sakusa’s hands had trembled but he allowed Atsumu to continue holding his hands.

“Let’s find somethin' else to do, hm?” Atsumu said.

“Something else?” Sakusa asked. He looked blankly at Atsumu who stepped closer.

“Can I kiss you, please?” Atsumu whispered.

Sakusa hesitated then he leaned down and Atsumu closed the remaining distance. His heart was racing in his chest. How wonderful it felt to kiss Sakusa again. Sakusa slowly pulled out of the kiss.

“Still too much?” Atsumu asked worried. But Sakusa shook his head, his eyes were no longer dazed and unfocused. He looked directly at Atsumu.

“No, no, something else is what I need”, Sakusa said.

“Okay”. Atsumu was delighted when they went into the living room and Sakusa allowed him to cuddle.

The next day Sakusa went back to work and although he seemed a bit hesitant he allowed Atsumu to kiss him goodbye and kiss him again when he came home. So Atsumu was even more surprised when Sakusa was the one to pull him into an embrace after dinner (where he had again hardly eaten anything). Instead of going for the living room, Sakusa pulled Atsumu into the bedroom.

“Are you tired?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa shook his head although his face told a different story. He pulled Atsumu back into his arms and Atsumu relished this moment. He felt Sakusa’s hands on his leg, it was trembling.

“What is it?” Atsumu asked and lifted his head. Sakusa was not looking at him.

“Can we -?” Sakusa murmured.

“What?” Atsumu frowned and waited for Sakusa to elaborate.

These days Sakusa was difficult to read. Sakusa’s shaky hand slowly wandered up Atsumu’s thigh.

“Oh”, Atsumu said surprised and hummed happily when Sakusa’s hand rested in between his legs. “Yes, please”, Atsumu whispered.

After this blissful night Atsumu had dared to hope that things would turn back to normal, but they didn’t. Sakusa came home the next days as if he had run a marathon. He lost weight and wouldn’t eat. His fingers were trembling. Sakusa insisted that everything was fine and after they had sex, he seemed calmer and more relaxed. His hands would stop shaking but Atsumu began to notice that Sakusa hardly slept. He was still cleaning a little bit too much and would only stop when Atsumu made him. He showered for an hour after they had sex and it took Atsumu to stop him from scrubbing off his skin. In the early morning hours Sakusa would start to shake as if he was cold and wouldn’t calm down even when Atsumu hugged him. But he never pushed Atsumu away again. He held onto Atsumu as if he was afraid to fall apart if he ever let go.

“Please, Omi. What’s wrong? I can obviously see that something’s goin’ on. It’s not your work, is it?”, Atsumu begged when they started into the second week of December.

Sakusa’s state seemed to crumble day-by-day. He was terse, now it was not just his fingers but his leg was also shaking every now and then. Atsumu knew that sex wasn’t the right way to handle it but Sakusa wanted it desperately. Atsumu was so confused and worried he would have done anything to make Sakusa feel better. Sakusa often came home and without having dinner he stormed right at Atsumu. He clung to Atsumu as if he was a lifeline and he was drowning. But the ease that sex had initially brought did not last. During sex and right after Sakusa seemed to be normal, then just half an hour later he started trembling again and wouldn’t talk. Like an addict Sakusa began asking for more and more and of course, Atsumu had not declined Sakusa’s wish. He liked sleeping with Sakusa and it seemed the only thing that brought Sakusa any ease. But it was not a solution. Atsumu had tried going on walks with Sakusa during the weekend, tried talking, tried reading to him, watching TV, drawing him baths, but it was no use.

“Please talk to me, Omi. I want to help”, Atsumu begged. “I can’t stand it. You look like you’re in pain”, he whispered.

It was the middle of the night and Sakusa was shaking all over.

“I can’t”, Sakusa gasped.

“Are you scared?” Atsumu asked. “Of what I will say when you tell me what’s going on?”

Sakusa didn’t answer.

“I told you, I’ll be with you no matter what. I don’t care if it’s… somethin’ bad. Even – even if it’s really, really bad. Please, tell me, you’ll feel better if you tell me. We’ll work somethin’ out”, Atsumu begged. But Sakusa didn’t give in.

It was the 14th of December, a Monday, a day after an entirely sleepless night. Atsumu was starting to feel sick himself. He felt helpless and drained. So he was baffled when Sakusa came home at 8 PM and looked like his old self. His fingers were not tapping rapidly and he did not storm at Atsumu like he was reaching for a lifeline like a drowning man. He kissed Atsumu gently after he returned from washing his hands like usually. He still didn’t eat much but he looked calm.

“I’m sorry I made you worry”, Sakusa said quietly as they cleaned up together. Atsumu smiled weakly.

“You look exhausted. This is all my fault. I made you suffer”, Sakusa said and he ran his finger over Atsumu’s face. Something he rarely did. He was oddly gentle and soft.

“No, as long as you’re okay again”, Atsumu said. They sat together on the sofa and Sakusa just held Atsumu for a long time. Atsumu was exhausted.

“Go to bed”, Sakusa said gently.

“Don’t you want to -?” Atsumu asked surprised. Sakusa kissed him.

“I’ll always want you. But you go rest”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu blinked confused at those words. Sakusa brought him a cup of tea and a glass of water once Atsumu had slipped into bed. Then Sakusa sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Atsumu for a long time. He ran his hand over Atsumu’s face again and kissed his forehead, his nose, cheeks and mouth as if he wanted to memorise how each part of his face looked and felt like.

He gave Atsumu the cup and Atsumu took a few sips. “Good night”, Sakusa whispered.

Atsumu blinked, he felt groggy. It was still night time but Sakusa was not lying in bed beside him. Atsumu touched his head. Something was off. He didn’t feel right. He heard water running, followed by a long silence and then steps. Sakusa was leaving the flat. Atsumu tried to get up but his legs were heavy. He bumped into the doorframe as he walked out of the bedroom.

“Omi?” His voice was strange. “D-Damn”, Atsumu cursed and went into the bathroom to splash cold water onto his face.

This was not because of his worries and exhaustion. Sakusa had put some sort of sleeping pill or calming medicine into his water. But thankfully he had not drunken much of it. His eyes focused and his senses sharpened from the piercing smell of very strong alcoholic disinfectant and fear.

“Oh no”, Atsumu whispered. “No. No, no, no, no!”

He hurried into the living room where his phone was and grabbed it. He hurriedly dressed and then rushed out of the apartment.

The horror, the disbelief, and the tiniest shred of hope were all that kept him walking, looking for Sakusa. He didn’t dare to shout. Finally he saw Sakusa. He was walking slowly, he slipped through side alleys, melting into the darkness as if he was a shadow. Like a sleepwalker Atsumu followed Sakusa through the narrow alleys to an abandoned shopping street. The long shopping street was dark because the roof shielded it from the light of the moon and there were hardly any working street lamps in the street. The shops were all locked and closed with shutters. Sakusa unlocked the door to one of the side entrances of a shop and Atsumu could glimpse stairs that led down. He quickly squatted behind a large trash can when Sakusa turned around to close the door. Atsumu stared at the dirty wall next to him while the seconds stretched into minutes. His heart was beating painfully in his chest as he had to make a decision. He closed his eyes and pulled out his phone. He stared at the picture of Sakusa and him on the screen. Red and golden leaves glowing blurred behind them. _You’re beautiful_.

Atsumu’s hands were shaking and he could hardly see through his tears. He could ignore and close his eyes to who Sakusa was but he could never deny who he was himself deep down inside. He sent his coordinates to his team and then put his phone back into his pocket. This was it.

He stood up and it took every effort to put one foot in front of the other. The way to that door seemed to be taken forever, it was terribly far, although it could have only been a few metres. He had taken his choice and it was irreversible now. The door was surprisingly unlocked when Atsumu turned the doorknob. The door was heavy, he pulled it open and quietly closed it behind him. Then with shaking legs he took one step after the other down into a basement. The stairs led into an open room of what had once probably been a storage room. The walls were made of bare stone, half of the floor was covered in plastic planes. Sakusa was standing right there on the plastic planes. Atsumu fought down the urge to be sick immediately and blinked the tears away.

“Omi”, he said. His voice came out as a rattled whisper. “Omi, please”. Hot tears fell from his eyes. “Please, let her go. Put the cable down”, he said.

The woman was still struggling. Her hands and feet were loosely bound together. Sakusa’s hands were shaking slightly from the strain of pulling the cable. His eyes were oddly vacant, he didn’t seem to hear or see Atsumu. Atsumu walked closer. His steps echoed through the room mingled with the woman’s struggling cry.

“Omi, Omi, Omi”, he whispered until he was standing right in front of them.

“Omi. You promised to come back to me”, he said again, his voice a little louder and it was as if a switch had been flipped.

Sakusa dropped the cable and with a rattled gasp and a cough the woman fell to their feet. She began crying and robbed away. Sakusa’s hands were shaking and he stared at Atsumu.

“Omi”, Atsumu whispered. “It’s okay. She’s alive. It’s okay. You haven’t done anythin’ yet, we can fix it. It’s okay”, he said.

He was lying. There was no fixing it. He was just trying to piece things together when it was already broken and he was only cutting himself on the shattered pieces.

“It’s okay”, Atsumu kept saying more to himself than to Sakusa.

Tears were still running over his face. Panic was flickering in Sakusa’s eyes and his breath hitched.

“Come home with me. Like you promised”, Atsumu said. Sakusa closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. His shoulders relaxed. "It'll be fine".

A split second of relief.

There were voices and a loud banging sound and Atsumu turned his head. The woman was already near the stairs and then something shortly obscured Atsumu’s view and he gasped as he felt a cold cable around his throat. It was tightened so abruptly and with so much force, he got dizzy immediately. His heart began to race and heat rose into his face as lights exploded in front of his eyes. He lifted his arms and weakly slapped Sakusa’s arms.

“Omi, Omi”, he coughed.

The room began to swim before his eyes and then there was a distant shout, a terrible high pitched ringing and everything turned black.

Atsumu’s eyes fluttered open. Everything was white. A familiar smell of disinfectant. Just a dream. Just a dream. _Omi. Omi?_ He tried to open his mouth to call Sakusa but he couldn’t. He couldn’t feel his body. This wasn’t their bed. It was smaller, harder, uncomfortable. Atsumu blinked again. He thought he heard something.

“’Tsumu”.

He blinked again. A steady beeping sound reached his ears. The feeling in his body returned so suddenly he groaned. His body was feeling heavy, everything was aching. His head felt like it was going to burst and his throat was sore and he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. Just as he had that realisation he gasped in panic and he heard the beeping sound speed up. There was an odd sound. Something was on his mouth. A breathing mask.

“Atsumu”.

He tried to turn his aching head but found he could not move as there was something on his neck.

“O… Omi?” he asked. His voice was hoarse and sounded terrible. It hurt to speak.

When his eyes focused, they found not Sakusa but a silver haired young man. Next to him, a black haired young man.

Something fell onto his arm. Tears.

“I thought we were too late. Why did you go in there alone, Tsum-Tsum?” Bokuto called crying.

“Where?” Atsumu managed to press out.

“The basement! Don’t you remember?” Bokuto asked.

“Where – am - I?” Atsumu pressed out.

“We’re at the hospital”, Kageyama answered. He looked calm, but his voice was shaky.

“You were out for two days”, Kageyama continued.

“Don’t worry, we got him. We arrested Sakusa”, Bokuto said and wiped his eyes. Atsumu tried to sit up abruptly at that and screamed in pain.

“What are you doing? Lie down!” Bokuto called.

“No, no, no”, Atsumu gasped. “Don’t – don’t”. Bokuto and Kageyama exchanged looks.

“What happened, Atsumu? We were assigned to sweep his flat. It looked like you two had lived there together”, Kageyama said.

Atsumu stared at his junior. They must have seen it all. The evidence. The evidence that Atsumu had tried to sabotage this case. The evidence that he had tried to start a new life with Sakusa Kiyoomi.

“You were in deep”, Kageyama said. “It must have been really difficult to do – all that”, he continued.

Tears rolled over Atsumu’s nose into the pillow. He wanted to scream. He had lost him. Sakusa Kiyoomi was gone from his life. No sitting side by side looking at a photograph of a beautiful autumn day. Pain and humiliation mingled in his already burning chest, he felt like he was on fire.

“He must have messed you up pretty badly”, Kageyama said. He had always been blunt but those words felt like knives through Atsumu’s already aching chest.

Atsumu closed his eyes. Messed up, indeed. Fucked up. After all this, he still wanted Sakusa back. He After all this he was still in love with him. After all this, he still wanted to save him. But he had lost this foolish gamble. He hadn’t been able to keep Sakusa from murdering again. He had failed. It was over. The end.

Atsumu was visited by several colleagues over the next few days. He still had trouble speaking and so he didn’t have to explain yet, which was a good thing because he didn’t know what to say. He desired nothing more than to see Sakusa and at the same he dreaded seeing him. He certainly would see him again if he had to go to court for the hearing or if he went to prison for an interview. Looking at him through a one-way mirror, sitting across him, separated only by a bleak metal table, asking questions to which he already knew the answers.

He wasn’t angry or disappointed that Sakusa had put that cable around his neck. Sakusa had panicked when the police arrived. Atsumu could only think of Sakusa dropping the cable when he had begged Sakusa to come back home. He could have talked him out of it.

A week later, they took off the odd cast-like thing around his neck that had stabilised his neck. A doctor gave him several exercises to get used to speaking again. His voice was still hoarse. But Ushijima Wakatoshi and Meian saw that as no excuse and came to get his testimony.

“How are you feeling?” Meian asked.

“Great” Atsumu said sarcastically. His voice was flat, he felt empty.

“A psychiatrist will see you later”, Meian said.

“I’m fine”, Atsumu lied. He didn’t look at either of them.

“It is standard procedure”, Wakatoshi said.

“I know”.

“We need your testimony. Hayashi Minako, the woman he had captured and tried to kill, made her statement already but it isn’t of much use. He attacked her from behind, she never even saw his face. Though, it is unusual that she was captured a day ahead. She was in the basement for a whole night and a day. She was under drugs so she can’t really remember but she missed a day at work”, Wakatoshi said then.

Atsumu said nothing.

“It seems like you managed to get very close to Sakusa Kiyoomi”, Meian said. Atsumu stared at the wall through the gap between the two men.

“You were living together?”

– “Yes”.

Wakatoshi noted something down.

“How did that come to be?” he asked. He said that he liked me, he told me he loved me. Atsumu couldn’t say it.

“Detective Miya”, Meian said. “Please, tell us how close you were with Sakusa”, he demanded.

“You already know”, Atsumu said. Wakatoshi consulted his note pad.

“We need to hear it from you. But Detective Bokuto and Detective Kageyama found that you two shared a bed. The used condoms in the trash can suggest that you two had a sexual relationship”, Wakatoshi said so plainly as if he was describing boring statistics.

“Yeah”, Atsumu said.

“Was that how you gained his trust?” Meian asked.

“Probably”, Atsumu said.

“Was he ever violent while you were having intercourse?” Meian asked.

Atsumu closed his eyes. He saw Sakusa’s smile, felt his lips on his, how their fingers intertwined. 

“No”, Atsumu said.

“Really?” Meian asked surprised.

Atsumu opened his eyes. Those memories were painful.

“Detective Miya, we need you to be entirely honest with us. I understand that this might feel humiliating –“, Meian started.

“No”, Atsumu interrupted him. This time he looked directly into his superior’s eyes.

“He was never once violent. He despises violence. Seeing blood makes him sick. He can’t even watch action movies. He was gentle when we had sex. He was scared of hurtin’ me”. Meian and Wakatoshi exchanged gazes and Wakatoshi frowned.

Wakatoshi noted something down and Atsumu was sure that they didn’t believe him, so he was surprised when Meian took out a tablet and showed it to him.

“After we arrested Sakusa, the only thing he has said was your name. He only asked how you were and whether you had recovered”, Meian said. “He wouldn’t answer any of our questions. We need your testimony, Detective Miya”. Atsumu stared at the recording from the interrogation.

Sakusa was sitting at the steel table, his shoulders slumped and his face lowered.

“This is the only time we got a reaction out of him”, Meian said. He clicked the video and it started playing.

_“Is Atsumu okay? I didn’t want – is he okay? Is he okay?” Sakusa asked._ _His voice was shaking._

Atsumu fought the tears down. He knew it. Sakusa had never meant to hurt him.

_“We are asking the questions”, Wakatoshi’s voice sounded through the room._

_“These two tonight were your fourteenth and fifteenth victims, weren’t they? You were lying low for a long time, but this time you won’t get away. We’ll lock you up for good”, Bokuto said. He spread pictures of the past victims all over the table._

_“You killed all those people”._

_Sakusa said nothing._

_“We’ve got you for attempted murder of a civilian and a police officer, and by the end of the night you will have confessed all those other murders to us”, Bokuto said._

_“Police officer?” Sakusa asked. His voice was quiet._

_“Miya Atsumu risked his life to put you away once and for all. He’s my friend. So know that there is no punishment heavy enough for you”, Bokuto said. Sakusa lifted his head._

Atsumu felt like he was falling apart.

_Terror, disbelief and something else were flickering over Sakusa’s face._

_“Yes, he went undercover and he got you. He got you. So you might as well speak up. I doubt that it will change anything. The capital punishment awaits you nonetheless”, Bokuto said. Atsumu had never heard Bokuto talk like this. There was no cheerfulness, no joking, no smiles._

_“Undercover”, Sakusa repeated as if that was the only thing he had taken in._

_He lowered his head and Atsumu wanted to close his eyes, he couldn’t bear it. Tears had dripped onto the table and the pictures on the table as Sakusa had lowered his head. Then his shoulders trembled._

_“Crying won’t save you”, Bokuto called. Sakusa turned his head but it seemed like he had only wiped his eyes. Then he lifted his head and the camera had captured his face. It looked like a mask. Cold, empty, expressionless. Exactly how he had looked when he had pulled the cable tight around the woman’s neck. The sudden change in his facial expression was terrifying._

“He said nothing after that. He just sat there and he showed absolutely no reaction to anything. The psychiatrist has already seen him and he said that they need to run a few more tests with Sakusa but yeah… he won’t talk. Nothing gets to him. Nothing”, Meian said.

Atsumu turned away. “Did he ever mention any of the other murders?” Wakatoshi asked. Atsumu thought about that beautiful autumn day. _One day I will tell you, long before we’re 80…_

He shook his head. “How did you find the basement? Did he tell you about it?” Wakatoshi asked.

“I followed him. It was my first time there”, Atsumu said. He shivered at the memory of that creepy basement.

He closed his eyes. He had never before felt this humiliated. How embarrassing to lie on this bed, broken, useless and a mess. He would have beaten up anyone else who would have fucked up a case this badly. He certainly felt like he wanted to beat himself up.

“I’m sorry, I messed up”, he said but he felt like he wasn’t sorry at all, not for his relationship with Sakusa. He hated himself for feeling like that. Still wanting Sakusa. Full of selfish feelings. He was only embarrassed because he had been caught messing up the case, because he had failed to keep Sakusa from trying to murder again.

“What do you mean?” Wakatoshi asked.

“There was no evidence at all in his flat. He never said anythin'. I found out nothin’. For the longest time… I thought we had the wrong guy”, Atsumu said.

“Look, detective, you were undercover for over four months, you got close to Sakusa Kiyoomi, it is only natural that you’ve become attached in some way and now end up blaming yourself”, Meian said gently.

“It is not your fault that he is the way he is. As a cop we face difficult decisions but you’ve done the right thing. It is thanks to you that we caught him red-handed and you put your life on the line for it. I cannot say I am happy about the risk you took but it was all worth it”.

Atsumu didn’t look at him. But it was his fault, he had only himself to blame. He hadn’t been enough for Sakusa, he had not been able to keep him away from attempting to murder someone. He had called in his team to arrest Sakusa and they had come on his call just the moment Atsumu had thought he could have talked Sakusa out of it. He needed to see Sakusa again, he had to explain… apologise. Sakusa needed to know that he might have lied about why he had approached him but he had never lied about loving him.

He heard clothes rustle, the two must have stood up. “You must be exhausted. Rest well. It is better to do a full and detailed testimony when you’re recovered”, Meian said but he no longer sounded very patient.

When he was at the door he greeted a doctor, who seemed to be the psychiatrist.

“I think Sakusa manipulated him – and he’s done one hell of a job”, Atsumu heard Meian mutter to Wakatoshi as they left.

That thought had never even crossed Atsumu’s mind. Sakusa had not manipulated him? No, entirely wrong. He had been the one who had lied. He had lied to Sakusa and Atsumu thought that Sakusa would never forgive him for that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm throwing this super long chapter at you where so much is happening at once.   
> I really do hope it is not too overwhelming or ... bad? OTL  
> I spent so much time going over this chapter...  
> I had originally planned to end the chapter in the basement when Atsumu blacks out but I thought it would have been too cruel. So I included the parts from the hospital.
> 
> I am very thankful if you read thus far and managed to read through this sad chapter!!  
> There are still two more chapters and I really hope you find the strength to stay with Atsumu and Sakusa until the last chapter, because their story isn't over yet.
> 
> I hope you can forgive me for this extra long and sad chapter. I know it is a lot to take in.  
> If it brings you any ease, I totally had a nightmare after writing this chapter.
> 
> I'm doing my best to upload the next chapter soon, I'm aiming to update this Saturday (19th)!


	8. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for all the wonderful comments and kudos on the last chapter. I was completely overwhelmed!! I hope you will enjoy this chapter

_Pain demands to be felt._

_\- John Green_

~

The doorbell wouldn’t stop ringing. Was it stuck? No, it stopped, but the silence was broken by a loud banging on the door.

“Open up, asshole!”

Atsumu didn’t get up. Louder banging on the door.

“I’m goin’ to kick it in!” his brother shouted.

With a groan Atsumu got up, he couldn’t walk steady and had to hold onto the wall for support. He unlocked the front door and screwed up his eyes against the sunlight that burned his tired eyes.

“Finally!” Osamu said. “Eww, ‘Tsumu, were you undercover as a homeless swamp monster and forgot how to adjust back to a normal civilian life?” Osamu asked and scrunched his nose. Atsumu leaned against the doorframe.

“Whaddya want?” he muttered.

“Are you – are you drunk?” Osamu asked sharply. “Let me in!” he said but didn’t wait and pushed the door open and walked in.

He looked around and then made his way into the living room and pulled all the blinds open and with a loud rasping sound he also pulled back the curtains.

“Your colleague, Bokuto, called me to check on you”, Osamu said. “You’re a pain in the ass. I had to come all the way up to Tokyo for this, you bastard”.

He turned around and banged a bento box onto the table, next to a stack of folded newspapers.

“Your flat looks clean…”, he said and frowned.

“It is”, Atsumu said. “Helps me clear my head." Tap, tap, tap. He put his left hand over his right hand tapping against his leg. Stop it.

“So your colleague or should I say ex-colleague, yes, he told me that you got yourself suspended”, Osamu snapped.

Atsumu lay down on the sofa and grabbed a bottle. Osamu ripped it out of his hands.

“You’ve drunken enough. How about you clean yourself instead of your flat for a change?” he asked. Atsumu tried to get the bottle back.

“Sober the fuck up and then you’ve got some explainin’ to do”, Osamu called.

“Stop shoutin’”, Atsumu muttered. Osamu pushed him into the bathroom.

“Don’t try to drown. Or do… I don’t know”, Osamu called.

He walked around the flat while Atsumu showered. It was weird. Atsumu was in quite the state but the flat was spotless. It smelled vaguely of disinfectant agent.

He pushed the door to the bedroom open. It was dark inside because the blinds were shut. He flicked the light switch. The bed looked like no one had slept in it for ages. Black pyjamas were lying on top of the blanket, neatly folded. Atsumu had never used pyjamas in his life.

“What are you doin’?” Atsumu asked behind him.

His hair was still dripping wet. His eyes widened and then he ripped the pyjamas out of his brother’s hands.

“Don’t touch that!” he shouted. He re-folded it and placed it back on the bed.

“You’re… freakin’ me out”, Osamu murmured. “What on earth happened, ‘Tsumu? Bokuto called me and said he was worried about you because you wouldn’t return his calls. He said you were odd ever since you went undercover”, Osamu said.

They went back into the living room. Everything was wrong here. They layout was different, the sofa wasn’t really soft. His old flat felt like it belonged to someone else. As if this was Osamu’s flat not his. It had been weird to return to this flat after having lived for months in Sakusa’s flat. But he had deliberately kept it this way, he needed to remind himself that this was his flat, the flat where his real identity lived. For the first few days he had gotten up early, his body had walked to work while his heart and mind waited for it to turn 7 PM, then 8 PM. He had made too much dinner because he had forgotten that he was cooking for one and not two, had desperately tried to uphold this stupid, stupid illusion of Sakusa coming home to him.

Then some day he had stopped to hope, but unfortunately his heart had not stopped. So he continued to clean his flat, continued to look at the clock, waiting around for 7 PM and then 8 PM, made too much dinner but he had begun to neglect himself over it.

 _Take a shower or you’re not sleeping in my bed_.

He just wanted to hear that, but he didn’t because Sakusa wasn’t there. So he didn’t shower and didn’t sleep in the bed.

“’Tsumu”, Osamu said and nudged him. His voice was softer. He sounded worried. “Bokuto said… you were attacked while undercover. Someone tried to kill you”.

Atsumu flinched. “No. It was a mistake”, he said toneless.

“A mistake? But you were in hospital, weren’t you?” Osamu said.

“He didn’t try to… he didn’t want to kill me”, Atsumu murmured into his hands. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not again”.

A week had passed since he had been released from hospital. He had tried to return to work. Of course, it had been desk duty. Standard procedure after everything he had been through. But he couldn’t work. He couldn’t focus and he got into trouble. Constantly.

For being late, provoking suspects, getting aggressive and losing his patience with witnesses who couldn’t give proper statements, shouting at colleagues and picking fights. He had hardly lasted a few days back on the job.

Eventually his team had lost their patience with him. Even Bokuto who was always supportive no matter what, had started to distance himself from Atsumu. When Superintendent Meian had called again for Atsumu to make his testimony in court in The Doctor’s case, Atsumu had simply refused and had set off a usually very nice and relaxed man. Meian’s words were still echoing through his head.

_“Get your head out of your ass and give us a proper testimony. That’s what you worked the case for! You will testify in court so he'll get the capital punishment he deserves!”_

Two more weeks. Two weeks until he had to go to court. Usually personal testimonies weren’t necessary but in this case…

Osamu got Atsumu into bed and when Atsumu woke up the next day with a headache his brother was still there. He had even prepared breakfast. Atsumu’s stomach did a flip when he saw that it was omurice.

They sat in silence for a long time while Osamu was eating. “Eat somethin’. Are you gonna start talkin’ now or nah?” Osamu murmured and some time later, Atsumu took a spoonful. Eventually he started talking.

“I have to testify in court in two weeks”, Atsumu said.

“So?” Osamu said. “Oh, you’re scared because you will face the guy who tried to kill you in court?”

Atsumu opened his mouth. He desperately wanted to see Sakusa, but not like this. He was not refusing to testify because he couldn’t face Sakusa. He refused because he could not give the testimony they all wanted from him.

“No, I messed up the case, ‘Samu”, he murmured.

“Was it a big case? Is that why they kicked you out?” Osamu asked his mouth full. Atsumu shook his head.

“That’s not why I got suspended… but yeah, big case. Don’t you watch the news?” he asked. Osamu stared at him.

“Don’t tell me… the Doctor? You guys got the Doctor? You were… that police officer who tried to save the woman and got strangled, too?” Osamu asked.

There was no aloofness or snide as usual. He sounded terrified.

Atsumu couldn’t look at his brother. He just stared at the floor and felt sick.

“Damn… you were undercover and met him?” Osamu asked then. Atsumu nodded mechanically. Then they were quiet for a long minute.

“I refused to testify and got into a fight over it, that’s why…”, Atsumu murmured. Osamu stopped with his spoon halfway to his mouth.

“What? Why?” he called surprised. “Isn’t he one of the biggest serial killers out there? Did he threaten you while you were undercover -?”

Atsumu felt the tears spill over, it was embarrassing but he had long lost control over this.

“He is not like that!” Atsumu shouted. His voice broke. Osamu stared at him.

“What – what do you mean?” Osamu asked carefully. Tears fell onto the table and Atsumu buried his face in his shaking hands.

“I lived with him. He had months to kill me if he wanted to. He didn’t – he wouldn’t. He is not a monster. He wanted to stop, it was torturin’ him. If only I could have stopped him – I tried – I tried everythin’. But it just wasn’t enough. If only … a little bit longer”, Atsumu cried.

He felt a tissue being pushed against his hands and he took it.

“You lived with him?” Osamu asked. Atsumu nodded and blew his nose.

“How on earth did you guys manage to… arrange that?” Osamu asked.

“It wasn’t arranged. I was supposed to be his new neighbour. I – befriended him somehow, or tried to. One day, he was super agitated and couldn’t sleep so he stayed over at my place. From then on, we started hangin’ out when he came home and I stayed over at his place frequently”, Atsumu said.

Osamu frowned. “Just like that? You were hangin’ out constantly?”

Atsumu turned his head away.

“Pff, should have known only a serial killer could like someone like you”, Osamu said. Atsumu glared at him through tears. Osamu looked taken aback.

"Don't you think he just hung out with you because he planned on killin' you? Sounds a lot like it", Osamu said.

"No!" Atsumu almost shouted. Osamu blinked startled. “You actually liked him, too?” he asked warily.

“Yeah, we started datin’”, Atsumu murmured.

“You _dated_ -?” Osamu called. Atsumu gritted his teeth.

“Did you guys fuck?” Osamu asked then.

“Why on earth is that always the first and only thing people ask?” Atsumu snapped.

“Is that why you got suspended? Your colleagues found out you fucked him?” Osamu asked.

“No, it wasn’t. They were happy with anythin’ that could gain his trust”, Atsumu said sourly.

\- “So?” 

“Yeah, of course we had sex, ‘Samu. We were datin' for like two months or somethin'”, Atsumu said and looked away.

“So what’s the issue then?” Osamu asked.

“I can’t testify against him in court. I can’t lie”, Atsumu said.

“Why, lyin’ is your second nature”, Osamu said drily.

“I’m serious here”, Atsumu called.

“Fine. So? They think he manipulated you and that’s why you don’t wanna testify?” Osamu grunted. Atsumu looked away.

“He didn’t manipulate me! During the time in which I lived there with him, he didn’t kill anyone. He didn’t kill me, he never tried to and he had a thousand chances. He hates violence and blood. I almost thought that we had the wrong guy”, Atsumu said.

“Almost?” Osamu asked.

“Sometimes he would say stuff… and in the end he changed. But he was tryin’ to fight it. I did all I could to help but nothin’ made any difference”, Atsumu murmured.

“Well just say that in court then”, Osamu said.

“No”, Atsumu said. “He let her go when I called his name. It was as if he was in trance, he had just lost control…”.

Osamu put his spoon down. “It sounds like he manipulated you… the way you talk about him”, he said. Atsumu whirled around.

“He didn’t manipulate shit! Why is everyone always sayin' that? I was the one who was constantly lyin'! He thought I was someone I’m not! But I even fucked up that, didn’t I? Gave him my real name like an idiot because I couldn’t bear it. Told him I loved him and meant it…”, he shouted and threw his spoon down, but then his voice slowly faded with the sharp pain in his chest. Osamu looked uncomfortable.

“You still like him?” he asked. Atsumu looked away. He couldn’t bear it, he felt like going crazy.

“What does it matter? I lost him."

His phone vibrated. Bokuto was calling, again. Osamu leaned over the table to look at the phone.

“Don’t you want to take that?” Osamu asked. Atsumu huffed.

“What for?” he grunted. “I won’t let them twist my words so they can give Omi a lifelong sentence or worse, capital punishment.”

The phone stopped vibrating and Osamu looked back at the screen. He swiped over it to remove the notification of a missed call.

“Is that… is that him?” he asked looking at the screensaver. Atsumu shortly looked at it.

“Yeah”, he murmured.

“He looks – normal”, Osamu murmured.

“Yeah, what did you expect - devil horns?” Atsumu snapped.

“Kinda”, Osamu said and shrugged. He tried to unlock Atsumu’s phone but he got the password wrong.

“You've changed your password. When's his birthday?” Osamu asked. Atsumu ripped the phone out of his hands.

“You’ve got more pictures?” Osamu asked.

“Yeah, and I certainly won’t show you”, Atsumu said.

“You should delete them”, Osamu said. Atsumu stared at him.

“’Tsumu, get real. What use is it to keep them? He’s a criminal and he tried to kill you”, Osamu said.

“He didn’t, how many times?” Atsumu shouted. “I interrupted him killin’ someone else and tried to calm him down. He panicked! He kept askin’ whether I was fine right after”.

Osamu opened his mouth. “He did? You’ve seen him?”

“No”, Atsumu said. “Of course not. I was in hospital. I’ve seen the recordin’ of the interrogation”. He shook his head.

“You should have seen his face when they told him I was an undercover cop”. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes. “He hates me now”.

Osamu snatched the phone out of Atsumu’s shaking hands which had unlocked by his thumb pressing onto the home button.

“Don’t!” Atsumu shouted.

Osamu flicked through the pictures. It had been difficult to get Sakusa's consent for taking pictures, so each and every picture that Atsumu had of Sakusa or of the them together was a precious treasure. He saw the pictures his brother was going through upside down. There it was. The only other one he had secretly sneaked.

It had been early in the morning on a weekend and Sakusa had fallen asleep with his head on Atsumu's chest. His black hair that tickled Atsumu's chin lay in contrast to Atsumu's naked skin. A streak of sunlight was falling onto the sheets and Sakusa's sleeping face. It had been such a peaceful moment and one of the few times that Sakusa had fallen asleep like that. Usually it had been Atsumu who had clung to Sakusa. Atsumu remembered the moment after he had taken the picture, everything that was not in the picture. He only needed to close his eyes to feel Sakusa's curls under his fingertips. He had run his fingers through Sakusa's hair until Sakusa had woken up with a soft sigh. Eyelashes fluttering open, blinking into the light and at Atsumu. Lips that formed a smile before they met in a kiss that should have lasted on and on.

“You look happy here”, Osamu said in a weird tone and pulled Atsumu out of the bittersweet memory.

He gave Atsumu the phone back, it was the picture they had taken during their autumn walk. The one where they were kissing.

“You really love this guy?” Osamu asked. Atsumu didn’t need to answer.

“Then stop drinkin’ and do whatever you need to do to move on. Get your ass back to work and make right what you fucked up. Aren’t you the one to complain about others who don’t give it 100 percent? Now you’re allowed to slack off like that? Go see him if that’s what it takes for you to accept that you can never be with him again. It’s one of your cases, isn’t it? Then start treatin’ it like one!” Atsumu stared at his brother.

“I fuckin’ hate you”, Atsumu said.

“Stop being so selfish. Isn’t it your job to bring his past victims justice? What about them?” Osamu called. Atsumu closed his eyes.

“I KNOW!” he shouted.

He felt arms around him and he sunk his head into his brother’s shoulder.

“He messed you up real good, huh?” Osamu murmured.

Atsumu cried without restraints. He couldn’t recall ever crying like this or being comforted by his brother like this.

“Only I’m allowed to mess with you”, Osamu said quietly.

*

Atsumu still felt weird as if he was wrapped in cotton wool. He felt better since his brother had come to see him. He had gone back home with him for the rest of the week. His parents had immediately taken to mollycoddling him, which they had never done before. Christmas was painful, no matter how much effort his family put into it to make it fun. Atsumu only sat in his old childhood bedroom and stared at a paper in a plastic evidence bag. “Christmas To-Do-List”. He had taken it with him, he was already suspended and in trouble so whatever.

KFC was crossed off.  
Making/Buying Christmas cake.  
Watch a Christmas movie.  
Buy reindeer head pieces.  
Take pictures.

Atsumu was almost glad that he had not known yet what to buy Sakusa for Christmas so he had no present lying around that reminded him of the fact that Sakusa and he were done.

Osamu’s words had really hit home. _It’s one of your cases, isn’t it? Then start treatin’ it like one._

Atsumu leaned his head back against the wall. He had to look at things objectively, analyse them, look for hints and clues and put the puzzle together. If he managed to explain why he couldn’t testify against Sakusa, if he could finally convince them that there was nothing he could say that would make Sakusa look guilty, they would leave him alone. And Sakusa would not receive the worst sentence... Atsumu could then return back to work without being constantly questioned about Sakusa.

Besides, he needed to gain clarity about his own thoughts and feelings. Everyone assumed that Sakusa had manipulated him, could they be right? Had they both lied to each other? He needed to sort this out in his head before he went to visit Sakusa, because he had a visit planned. He would probably have to wait until the trial was over before he could go and visit Sakusa. He could only visit Sakusa as a police officer and right now he was suspended. He could not risk getting kicked out for good if he went to see Sakusa and couldn't prove that it was for the case and he had the feeling that Wakatoshi would not allow him back on the case. Trials usally look long, weeks, months and sometimes years, but Atsumu was sure that everyone wanted this to be over as quick as possible. They wanted to put Sakusa away for as long as possible without dragging it on.

Atsumu closed his eyes and went through the events one by one. It was difficult to analyse things rationally because he was still convinced that their relationship, their feelings were mutual and real. Why was everyone so convinced that it had not been real?

In the beginning Sakusa had been terse and had actively tried to avoid any interaction. Atsumu had pushed a little bit and forced his presence on Sakusa ever so slightly. Talking in the elevator or entrance hall while getting the mail. That’s when Sakusa had suddenly started to interact with Atsumu, too. Now that he was going through everything, trying to be as rational and objective as possible, he realised something.

Sakusa’s behaviour had been intriguing to him, a mystery that would always surprise him, but it had been not so erratic at all. Sakusa had been keen on keeping Atsumu at a distance but had abruptly changed his behaviour as if his first plan in handling Atsumu had not worked out. Sakusa had very suddenly presented himself as vulnerable and in need of protection. He had come to Atsumu for help and had been wonderfully hesitant to ask for his company at night. It must have been torture to sleep in a stranger’s bed with someone he hardly knew when he was such a germaphobe. Sakusa had never mentioned being followed again because he had achieved what he had wanted to achieve. Atsumu had reacted just the way he had been supposed to. Ready to offer protection and safety. He had boosted Atsumu’s ego and had given him the dangerous feeling of power and control. But in reality, Sakusa had only needed to suddenly cut him off for a few days to make Atsumu come running to him instead. A confirmation that Atsumu was hooked. An abrupt and sudden confession of feelings to confuse his heart and mind, which should have already been in disarray because of the few days in which Sakusa had cut him off. Easy to force a quick reaction. No time to think. No need to think. He had come running after all because he had wanted Sakusa way before Sakusa had even confessed and posed the option of dating.

Oh, these thoughts were ugly. They cut through him like a knife. How clear it all seemed now. They had all been right. Sakusa had manipulated him! But then? No. Atsumu shook his head. Somehow it didn’t fit. Their talk about ‘something else’, that day in the little woods, their kiss, the first time they had had sex, all those small moments. They all didn’t fit. He he did not have to bend the facts for it. How hard it had been to be together, to touch for the first time, getting closer and closer each time, the effort they both had put into this relationship because they both had wanted it to work was proof enough for Atsumu that it had all been real.

Could it be that it had gone the same way for Sakusa as it had been for Atsumu? They both had had a plan for the other and then the plan had gone out the window when real feelings had come in the way. Sakusa had really fought against it. He had not wanted to kill someone, he had hoped that his urge to kill would not come back. Atsumu remembered in what kind of state Sakusa had been the last weeks before he had tried to kill that woman. He had suffered so terribly but he had fought against it. The look of terror in Sakusa’s eyes when Atsumu had found him in that basement. The panic in his voice as he had asked Bokuto and Wakatoshi repeatedly whether Atsumu was fine. That had been just as real.

Maybe Sakusa had tried to manipulate him in the beginning but then he had stopped. Atsumu didn’t know what Sakusa had had planned to do with him, whether he had been supposed to be an alibi or whether Sakusa had simply wanted to control him because he had been so nosy. Or whether there had been a plan at all. But Sakusa had let him into his life and had somehow along the way given up all the control over Atsumu that he had had. He had wanted to confess what he had done… one day long before they were 80. Maybe Sakusa had really fallen in love with him, too.

*

He went back to Tokyo on New Year after a shrine visit with his family and even answered the text messages he received from his colleagues. On the fourth of January his suspension ended and he went back to headquarters for a meeting with Wakatoshi. The week at home had cleared his head. He now knew what to say.

“Ready to come back?” Wakatoshi asked shoving the form Atsumu had to sign into his hands.

“Yeah, but I still think it won’t be a good idea to have me testify in court this week”, Atsumu said. Wakatoshi’s face darkened.

"You're not up to d-", he started but Atsumu interrupted him.

“Let me explain. Here’s how it will go. Om- Sakusa’s lawyer will ask for a sentence reduction on the basis that we only got him for attempted murder in two cases. Since we have no evidence that links him to the other victims – the fact that he used the same disinfectant and murder method can easily be portrayed as a work of a copycat killer who didn’t actually had the heart to pull through.   
You want me to say that Sakusa is definitely the Doctor who killed 13 people. The thing is I cannot lie in court. He never said that to me, he never mentioned the basement I found him in that night. He was never violent, in fact he is repulsed by violence of any sort. I have told you that many times. My testimony will not help you in this case, it will only help Sakusa”, Atsumu said.

Wakatoshi said nothing for a while, then he slammed the other files he was holding in his hands onto the table.

“Why didn’t you say so right from the start?” he called.

Atsumu flinched back surprised. “I was overwhelmed by everythin’. I couldn't really explain”, he murmured. “It was quite… a lot to process”. Wakatoshi hummed.

“Anyway, you’re not up to date with the case anymore. But now I think not even your testimony could sway the case. Meian, of course, still wants you to testify”, he said.

Atsumu stared at him. Anxiety flooding his body. “What do you mean?”

Wakatoshi lifted the files he was holding and opened them up. “We found out a lot about Sakusa Kiyoomi. He is now in psychiatric care”.

Atsumu slowly averted his eyes from Wakatoshi to look down at the file. His stomach turned when he saw the picture of Sakusa.

“They tested him for all sorts of stuff. His lawyer will plead that Sakusa Kiyoomi is not legally sane. They found an anomaly in his –“, Wakatoshi said and paused to look at the medical estimate. “Orbitofrontal cortex”, Wakatoshi read slowly.

“What does that mean?” Atsumu asked.

“Meaning he has issues with impulse control. He also went completely crazy while he was in detention pending trial. When you said that he was a germaphobe, you could have told us how intense it was. The psychiatrist said it was – comorbid posttraumatic stress disorder. An obsession with cleaning things… That is not all, though”, Wakatoshi said and pulled out two other pictures.

Atsumu flinched. It were old crime scene photos dating back 20 years. The walls and floor of the room were splattered with so much blood, that Atsumu didn’t want to image what brutal attack must have caused this.

“This is from 20 years ago. It was all over the news back then. A vicious double homicide”, Wakatoshi said. “It was a real mess. They caught the culprit, he received capital punishment for it”.

Atsumu tore his eyes from the horrible pictures. “What has that to do with Sakusa?” he asked.

Wakatoshi shoved the pictures back into the file.

“He was the only witness. The victims were his parents. The police report is gruesome to read. He was just a kid, 6 years old or something, and he had seen it all. He had hidden in a closet. The culprit had stalked the mother for a while, but the police had not taken it seriously. Then he broke into the house and chopped her and her husband up…”, Wakatoshi said.

Atsumu leaned against the table for support as he recalled the paranoia and panic in Sakusa’s eyes when he had thought that he had been followed and that someone had broken into his flat. It must have reminded him of his parents’ murder. Maybe this had not been part of manipulating Atsumu after all. He could have really been scared. It was odd to hear such terrible things but feel only relief that Sakusa had not lied or acted a certain way to manipulate Atsumu.

“Well, he has older siblings, the oldest had already moved out and the other was luckily not at home at the time. The kids were all sent to an orphanage as there were no other relatives. It doesn’t look like Sakusa received any trauma therapy. He stayed in the orphanage until he was 18 and then he left and no one neither family nor orphanage ever heard from him again.  
The orphanage has since then closed but we managed to find one staff member. She told us that Sakusa had been an unusually quiet kid but he had already been scared off germs then, the trauma must have increased his fear and cumulated in his obsession with cleaning things. He had had no friends and always played alone. No one wanted to adopt him and he certainly didn’t try to be adopted.  
There is a long blank in his life. He last worked for a beauty company. He used a fake name but his credentials seem to be true. He finished high school and went to university. But no one can recall having seen him, he had no friends there either. He resurfaced in 2016 when he killed two people as we assume. It seems you were the first person to ever get close to him, so he must have had a reason, a plan maybe…”, Wakatoshi said.

Atsumu said nothing. He had spent the last week analysing their relationship, everything Sakusa had ever done or said. He still didn’t know whether Sakusa had intended to use him for something. The beginnings of their relationship had been formed by mutual manipulation and Atsumu had never noticed because it had all played well into his hands. But he had thought it over and over again. Their relationship had been real, no matter how it had started, the feelings they had developed had been real. The desperate wish to see Sakusa was now unbearable. He would have to ask for permission to see Sakusa but he thought it wouldn’t matter much whether they would allow or forbid him to see Sakusa. He would go anyway. He had to see Sakusa.

"I need to see him", Atsumu said. Wakatoshi frowned.

"You're not on the case anymore. I doubt that it is a good idea to put you back on it", he said and shook his head. 

"But -", Atsumu started.

"You're just back, Miya. Show me that you've got your shit together and we can talk about it again. Look, I think you might get a reaction or something out of him but I've got to be sure that you're up for it", Wakatoshi said.

Atsumu gritted his teeth but he knew that Wakatoshi was right. He had to prove himself anew but he would. He would work as hard as needed so that he could see Sakusa again as soon as possible.

He felt a hard almost painful clap on his shoulder. “Tsum-Tsum!” Bokuto called. “You’re back!” He was greeted loudly by his team and Atsumu managed to put on a smile. Maybe, if he faked it for long enough, he could feel normal again.

It wasn’t the first time that he would fake something until it turned real.

The sixth of January came. Atsumu had rather not gone to work that day and he was glad when Wakatoshi assigned him a case and he was sent away from the office. He thought he couldn’t bear the stares of his colleagues. Wakatoshi had convinced Meian that Atsumu’s testimony would not serve them in any way and so Atsumu was no longer pressured into testifying. The court hearing had started at 9 am and everyone wanted to know why he wasn’t there, why he wasn’t watching. Atsumu didn’t watch the news or listen to the radio that day. He tossed the newspaper without looking at it and kept the TV switched off.

He didn’t want to hear even one person call Sakusa a monster again and him a hero for stopping him. He was no hero and when he closed his eyes he only saw Sakusa lying in bed next to him shaking, because he was suffering and struggling. 7 PM came and went. 8 PM came and went by. He didn’t want to know what sentence Sakusa would receive.

When he lay awake that night he thought of Sakusa kissing him goodnight in December and how he had said goodnight like a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I began drafting this story, the scene of Osamu comforting Atsumu was one of the first that I had clearly in mind and I really enjoyed writing it. After all the pain I'm putting Atsumu through I wanted him to be comforted OTL  
> Let's believe in Atsumu so he can meet Sakusa very soon...
> 
> An important thing now:  
> The next chapter is the last one but there is also an epilogue. I thought of putting it at the end of chapter 9 but in case you want the epilogue to be released as it's own chapter for better readability or the like, I can of course do that. The epilogue will be released at the same time as chapter 9.  
> I'm aiming for the 23rd.
> 
> I hope you'll come back for the finale of this story!


	9. Letters and numbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting patiently for the finale.  
> This chapter contains the last chapter + the Epilogue so it is again extra long  
> I hope you enjoy it <3

It was February and cold rain was pouring down. Atsumu shook his umbrella and shivered as he entered headquarters.

“Don’t bother taking off your jacket. We’ve got a case”, Bokuto called. Atsumu groaned.

“Robbery. They stole a bunch of expensive watches”, Bokuto said.

“That isn’t our division”, Atsumu said and frowned.

“Ah yeah, the shop owner was killed and the thieves hit a pedestrian with their car as they escaped”.

Atsumu sighed. “Just a second, I’ve got to talk to Wakatoshi before we leave”. Bokuto nodded.

Atsumu walked over to Wakatoshi who was writing a report on his PC. He cleared his throat. “Yeah?” Wakatoshi asked and looked up.

“I want to visit Sakusa Kiyoomi”, Atsumu said plainly.

He had thought about it for a long time, turned the words in his head, trying to find a way to phrase them. Sakusa’s trial had taken all of January until a sentence had been announced, the decision had been made fast. Atsumu had struggled through all of January avoiding newspapers, TV and radio but it was hard in a world where there was a screen on almost every corner. Wakatoshi looked surprised and then his eyebrows furrowed slightly. He had told Atsumu that he could visit Sakusa once he had proven himself and he had. Atsumu had done his best to come to work on time, he had been diligent at work and had solved three cases in the last four weeks. But it had not been enough for Wakatoshi and before Atsumu knew it, Sakusa's trial was over.

“The trial is over. Are you trying to get the case re-opened? Listen, I know that the victims’ families have approached us and pressured us to re-investigate…” Wakatoshi said cautiously. Atsumu took a deep breath.

“I need to be able to face him. I need this for myself”, Atsumu said.

“Well then, I thought you passed the psychological test to get back”, Wakatoshi said.

“I did. But – I need to be sure that I am able to look at him, so I can really – close this chapter”, Atsumu said. Wakatoshi frowned.

“That is the only reason?” he asked.

Atsumu tensed up. Could Wakatoshi know?

He had sent Sakusa a bunch of letters since the hearing. Had explained, apologised, explained and apologised. He had called the psychiatric facility and had done all he could to make sure that Sakusa was treated alright. He knew that he was the only person on this planet, besides Sakusa maybe, who was relieved over the sentence. Everyone else was just furious.

“Fine, after you’ve solved this robbery case”, Wakatoshi said. “Miya, when you go, take Kageyama with you”. Atsumu nodded.

He had trouble focusing but he managed somehow. He had to solve this robbery to see Sakusa again. He knew he shouldn’t go and visit him. He had been doing a lot better, he had put the few things that reminded him of Sakusa into a box and put it under his bed. He had changed his screensaver to a picture of himself and his team when they had went to the fox island. But he had not deleted the pictures of Sakusa. By now he did not look at them anymore.

He he had been able to sleep again without Sakusa haunting his dreams once the trial had finally come to an end in the first week of February. Sakusa was now in a psychiatric facility in a high-security ward. He had been sentenced to 10 years for the attempted murder in two instances, there was no proof for the other 13 cases. But Atsumu had been told that Sakusa would probably have to stay at the psychiatric facility for the rest of his life because he was “unstable” as they called it. Depending on his development they would lower the security status. Atsumu had lied to Wakatoshi, he was like a drug addict who claimed he could go and withstand the craving by facing it.

They arrived at the robbed shop where the forensics where already collecting evidence.

“A gun shot wound?” Atsumu asked eyeing the victim. “Wonder how they managed to get guns. Do we know yet what kind of gun they used?”

A guy from the forensics stood up and held up a small clear evidence bag. “9 millimetre calibre”, he said.

“The security cameras in this shop were covered”, Bokuto said reappearing by Atsumu’s side. “But we’ve got traffic cameras that filmed them leaving the shop”.

Atsumu nodded. “There are only two other employees. One of them arrived a bit late because of a train delay, she had the slip from the train company with her but I’m having Hinata check up on that. The other employee, Sato Yuki, he didn’t show up for work today. He called in sick”, Bokuto read off his notes.

“Kinda sus that he would be sick just the day the shop gets robbed?” Atsumu said. Bokuto tilted his head.

“Yeah, but it might be coincidence. Kageyama is running a background check on the two employees.”

When they arrived at the sick employee’s house Atsumu’s eyes fell on the number of the apartment. 304. He shook his head, he had to stop seeing memories in everything. Sato Yuki opened the door and turned rather pale when they introduced themselves as cops but he let them in.

Atsumu’s eyes fell on a bag that was standing on the dinner table. He recognised it immediately. It was the same brand that Sakusa had bought the pyjamas from. He had bought a new pair because Sakusa's were still in the evidence box and had sent them to Sakusa. He didn't know whether Sakusa had received them.

“Atsumu?”

He snapped out of his thoughts and noticed that his fingers were tapping against his leg.

“You went shoppin’ on the day you call in sick for work?” Atsumu asked acting as if nothing had happened. The guy looked anxious.

“I bought that – a few days ago. A g-gift for my girlfriend”.

Bokuto continued to ask standard questions and took notes while Atsumu walked over to the table and looked into the bag.

“Hey! You can’t just look into people’s private things!” the guy called.

“That’s a pretty expensive brand, you know…”, Atsumu said. He felt on edge. The gift inside the bag was wrapped in white perfumed paper.

“How can someone like you afford it? You might sell expensive watches but your salesman job hardly pays enough for a gift like that”, Atsumu said.

“Well”, the guy started.

“Is there a special occasion?” Bokuto asked curiously. The guy was sweating a lot but they couldn’t get much more out of him, so they left.

Atsumu slammed the door of the car shut. “He’s definitely involved”, he said. Bokuto hummed and Atsumu pulled out his phone.

“Kageyama, can you check Sato Yuki’s finances? Has he received a lot of money recently?” Atsumu asked. He heard the sound of a keyboard clacking.

“No but he has received large sums before. 2 years ago and … 3 years ago”, Kageyama said. “He worked at different companies at the times, though”. Atsumu and Bokuto looked at each other.

“Let me guess, they were all robbed?”

Another clacking sound. “Yep”.

Bokuto raised his eyebrows. “Did no one ever suspect this guy? The trace is so obvious… Let’s get him then”.

They had seated their suspect in the interrogation room and went out to get their files.

“Any plans for tonight?” Bokuto asked.

“No, why?” Atsumu asked without looking at Bokuto. He really needed to get over with this case, fast.

“You keep looking at your watch”, Bokuto said. Atsumu froze.

“Really?” he muttered.

He arrived at home at 7 PM and stared at the clock until it was 8 PM, then he made dinner and cleaned the kitchen, then the living room and the bathroom. He had forgotten to wear gloves so the cleaning agent was stinging his skin.

It took them just another two days to find enough evidence against their suspect, who had been secretly helping a group of thieves to steal expensive watches and other jewellery. He was, however, scared to give them the name of his black market contact and so it took them another three days of interrogation until he finally gave in. Atsumu hoped that his constant glances at the watch could now be interpreted as him being tired of this case. It was still rather upsetting that the case was taken from them from a special unit team that had been tracking that ring of thieves for a while now.

Atsumu hated it when cases ended like that, anti-climatic without the sense of having closed the case properly. He looked at his watch as the special unit took their suspect away. 15 minutes to 7 PM.

“Are you in a rush? Do you have plans for tonight?” Hinata asked curiously. Atsumu jumped. “Ah, well, not really”.

Hinata threw a quick glance over his shoulder. “Well, we’re all going out to drink together. Come along?”

Atsumu hesitated. He rather not touch alcohol at the moment.

“Sorry, no. I have to get up early tomorrow”, he said.

It wasn’t a lie. The case was closed, Wakatoshi had told him he could visit Sakusa as soon as this robbery case was over.

“Oh, alright, then. Good night!”

The next morning, he and Kageyama drove to the facility. The sky was of a clear blue and the plum trees were blooming. Atsumu thought of autumn and how he and Sakusa had went to see the autumn colours. He had thought that they would one day also go and see the cherry blossoms together.

They were led into a small room that reminded Atsumu of an interrogation room. They had to wait a few minutes then Sakusa was brought in. Atsumu immediately regretted coming. As if no time had passed since December, all the pain, doubts and grief were swept away by the overpowering feeling that he still loved Sakusa and wanted nothing more than for him to come back to him, into his arms, kiss him and say he was back home.

It was hard to look at Sakusa. He was wearing something like a uniform, which didn’t fit him properly. He seemed to have lost a lot of weight, his cheeks were sunken in and his hair was cut short. But no matter how different Sakusa looked and how confusing the situation was, Atsumu’s heart leapt at Sakusa’s sight. Sakusa’s lips twitched but his eyes were cold and distant. He was apparently not allowed to wear a mask. He sat down and then raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

“H-Hi”, Atsumu pressed out.

He wasn’t yet sure whether it made it easier or more difficult that Kageyama was sitting next to him. Sakusa didn’t answer.

“How are you, Omi?” Atsumu asked quietly.

“What do you care?” Sakusa said curtly. Atsumu pressed his lips together.

“What? Regretting that you didn’t testify in court after all?” Sakusa asked. “I thought you’d be there", he added a little quieter. It sounded almost hurt.

Atsumu looked up. Their eyes met and it felt like running, losing control and then crushing into a wall. Atsumu tried to breathe but his throat was closing up.

“I couldn’t –“, Atsumu started. “I know… you wouldn’t want them but you didn’t answer the letters at all”, he stuttered. Sakusa’s eyebrows raised further.

“Letters? What letters? What is there left to say? Boasting that you fooled me?” Sakusa asked coldly. Atsumu stared at him then he jumped up.

“I can’t do this”, he said and rushed out of the room.

He didn’t see that Sakusa was startled and that he turned his head to look after him. Atsumu sank to the floor outside, his fingers digging painfully into his own hair, as he was shaking with sobs. The door fell shut loudly in the silence.

“Detective?” one of the guards approached him.

Inside the interrogation room, Kageyama stood up so harshly that his chair fell over with a loud clatter.

“You hide behind some little excuse of being weak or a bit crazy in the head, but you really only belong into prison among fellow criminals. That’s exactly what you are. You’re going to spend the rest of your sorry life behind bars and if there is even the slightest chance we will get the case re-opened to prove what you did, we will. And then it’s capital punishment for you!   
You don’t deserve any of these amenities that you are granted here. Know that this is all because of Detective Miya. You don’t deserve his kindness. You deserve nothing, psychopath”, Kageyama said.

“You’re not getting his letters by the way because we’re holding them back and we’ll make sure that you will never see any of them”.

Then Kageyama called the guard and Sakusa was brought away. Neither Atsumu nor Kageyama saw how Sakusa kept trying to turn around to look for Atsumu. The cold and reserved mask crumbling to reveal pure desperation but no one saw it.

Atsumu was waiting outside of the facility. His eyes were red and swollen.

“Detective Miya”, Kageyama started but Atsumu shook his head.

“Don’t tell Wakatoshi”, he just said and got into the car.

Spring went on rainy and cold and then suddenly it got warm and cherry trees erupted in white and pink. On a messy hanami with the entire team they all got drunk and were secretly glad that no one had invited Wakatoshi because they would have gotten into trouble for getting this drunk in public. Bokuto had brought along a friend, Akaashi, and it seemed that everyone was happy and enjoying themselves.

Atsumu recognised the look in Bokuto’s eyes and how it was reflected in Akaashi’s secret glances at Bokuto. He knew what it meant and he felt the tension vibrate in his bones because they were free to have something he could not. Atsumu laughed along, drank too much and only felt miserable. He thought of Sakusa. Could he have found a nice little park with cherry blossoms where they could have sat down, to be alone and enjoy the pretty flowers?

Atsumu drifted into a nice dream of him and Sakusa sitting under the cherry trees. He dreamed of Sakusa pulling him in for a kiss and a hug. Then he was abruptly woken up by Bokuto, who had let out a loud scream, which mingled with Hinata and Kageyama’s banter.

“Bokuto, please, you’re disturbing people around us”, Akaashi said and bowed his head to apologise to the groups sitting around them.

“Let’s play a different game”, Akaashi added. It seemed that Bokuto, Akaashi, Hinata and Kageyama had played cards.

“Miya, do you want to join in?” he asked politely. Atsumu sat up and shook his head.

“Nah, I’m good”, he said, his thoughts already escaping him, back to Sakusa.

Thoughts, after all, weren’t so easily put in a cardboard box and shoved under a bed out of sight, like the black pyjama and the Christmas-To-Do List.

It was April when Atsumu was called over by Wakatoshi.

“Have you visited Sakusa Kiyoomi recently?” Wakatoshi asked directly. Atsumu flinched back, he had not expected to hear that name.

“No, I haven’t. Why?” Atsumu asked.

Wakatoshi had not asked him about his last visit and Atsumu thought that Wakatoshi would have said something if Kageyama had spilled the beans on him. But Kageyama seemed to have stayed silent about Atsumu’s breakdown.

“Do you want me to visit him?” he added then.

“I don’t think it is a good idea for Sakusa to see you, or for you to see him”, Wakatoshi said.

“Just tell him. He’ll find out either way, won’t he?” someone said. They turned their heads and saw Kageyama standing behind them.

“Find out what?” Atsumu asked sharply. His heart was racing. Wakatoshi sighed.

“Sakusa sent you a letter”, he said.

“A letter?” Atsumu asked, his heart leapt.

He had stopped writing to Sakusa after his last visit. Could Sakusa have finally decided to answer his previous letters? He noticed an envelope on Wakatoshi’s desk. It was already open and the postage stamp told him it had been sent a month ago. His hands clenched at that sight. Wakatoshi had read it and had kept it from him. Had Kageyama told Wakatoshi of his breakdown after all?

“What do you make of it?” Wakatoshi asked and handed Atsumu the letter.

Atsumu opened it. It was a single sheet of paper and there was just a long line of random numbers. Atsumu frowned. Disappointment mingled with confusion.

“What is this?” he asked. He felt someone peering over his shoulder. It was Bokuto.

“So you don’t know either?” Wakatoshi asked. Atsumu shook his head but he kept the letter.

“Well, we had experts looking at it but no one could figure out what it means”, Wakatoshi said.

“Any specific reason as to why you’re only givin’ me this now? And not one month ago when it came?” Atsumu asked through gritted teeth.

Wakatoshi eyed him. “Well, the code experts had to look at it. You’re the only one who ever got through to Sakusa. If he’s got something to say, it would be to you, wouldn’t it?”

Atsumu frowned. “Well, I think after my last visit it is pretty clear that he doesn’t trust me at all anymore. So no”, he said aggressively and turned around.

He was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. He put the short letter onto his kitchen table when he got home and stared at it but it didn’t make any sense at all. Should he know what this was referring to? Sakusa had never mentioned any codes and as far as Atsumu could recall, there had been no books on codes or anything the like on Sakusa’s bookshelves. The numbers weren’t coordinates either but if it had been something this simple the expert team of the police would have already figured it out. Sakusa surely knew that the police would see this letter. So it must be something that only Atsumu could understand. But his mind was blank. How frustrating it was to send 10 letters, pages long, and only to receive a single sheet of paper with some random numbers on it as an answer.

A few days later, the number mystery still on his mind he arrived at work at the same time as the post. He saw how a large envelope was put on Wakatoshi’s desk. A quick glance at it told Atsumu that the envelope had come from the psychiatric facility where Sakusa was.

“What are you doing at my desk?” Wakatoshi said, suddenly standing behind Atsumu. Atsumu jumped.

“Ah, well, I just saw – what is this? Is this from Sakusa?” he asked and pointed at the large envelope.

Wakatoshi hesitated, he looked tense. With a dull sound Bokuto’s chair crashed into Wakatoshi’s desk as he had rolled himself over.

“When Sakusa was put there, he started to write as a therapy. So we requested everything he wrote. You know, maybe there are hints or clues in there. We still haven’t gotten a confession from him, right”, Bokuto said and curiously looked at the envelope.

Wakatoshi sighed and slit the envelope open. He pulled out a stack of paper, they seemed to be copies of whatever Sakusa had handwritten. Atsumu had rarely seen Sakusa’s handwriting but it was easy to see his personality reflected in the way he wrote. Neat and clean.

They all sat around Wakatoshi and began to read.

There was just one paragraph per page, like poems. But a quick look was enough to tell that the poems didn’t look like poems either. They didn’t rhyme, there was no pattern. But Atsumu didn’t know too much about poetry to judge whether it was a certain style. He knew that Sakusa had several poetry books but Atsumu had never really understood those either.

“I don’t understand”, Bokuto murmured.

“I guess… it’s poetry”, Wakatoshi said and flipped the page.

“Oh, oh! It’s a little creepy that one”, Bokuto said and shivered.

Atsumu said nothing as they continued to read and he knew why the other two didn’t understand. Those were memories only Atsumu would know of, only he would understand what those poems were referring to. Even if it was written in a way that was difficult to follow. How strange to see those memories through Sakusa’s eyes. Was this how Sakusa remembered him and their time together? The memories seemed distorted, fragmented.

He pressed his lips together and gulped down the tears. He couldn’t let anyone know that he knew what those poems were referring to. He was not sure yet how to think about it, he didn’t know what these poems meant. Had Sakusa forgiven him? Or had he written all those poems to rid himself of those memories? Once they had read through the poems Wakatoshi looked up and abruptly turned to Atsumu.

“So?” he asked. Atsumu took the papers out of Wakatoshi’s hands.

“I need to –“, he started and cleared his throat when he heard how hoarse his voice was. “I need to think about this”.

Wakatoshi frowned. “Is he writing about you?” he asked.

Atsumu’s fingers tensed around the paper. It was quite obvious, he thought, why would Wakatoshi even ask. So he didn’t bother to answer.

“Don’t let him get under your skin again, Miya! If I see you slack off again, I will –“, Wakatoshi said sharply and Atsumu stood up abruptly.

“Slack off! As if I would slack off”, Atsumu said disdainfully and walked off.

Atsumu took the poem collection home where he sat at the kitchen table and read them again, and again. He didn’t know why but with pencil he numbered the pages the way they had been sent and then he put them in the correct order in which all those things had happened. He carefully stacked the pages together and read it in the correct order again. He paused and looked at the last three pages. Bokuto had called this one creepy. Maybe it was.

_With all those leaves_   
_golden and red_   
_blurred at the edges_   
_I only saw him_   
_how he laughed in the sun_   
_I kept seeing him dead_   
_the red leaves looked like blood_   
_and my hands were dripping_   
_tainted_   
_the laughter frozen_   
_because I wanted this moment forever_

Atsumu shivered as he remembered their walk in autumn and how Sakusa had called him beautiful. He hadn’t wanted to take a picture. It was enough to remember it just like that. Atsumu read it again and wondered whether Sakusa felt guilty for trying to kill him and whether that had tainted the memory of a beautiful day. Or maybe Sakusa had always thought about killing him one day. But how odd of him to mention blood...

Tears fell onto the page and Atsumu turned the page with shaking hands.

_I cannot tell the difference_   
_between anger and grief_   
_but I saw it in his eyes_   
_anger and grief are close_   
_like we were_   
_they kiss each other_   
_until they kill each other_

Atsumu put the page away almost harshly and buried his face in his arms. That night he couldn’t sleep, he had read through the entire manuscript that was full of their memories but they were written as painful as they felt. Like something whole that had shattered, words and sentences sharp like broken glass, the blood still on them but clear enough to see the beauty, the love, the truth.

The manuscript had unhinged him. He had walked the line of improvement always in danger of slipping, and falling, stepping back into sleepless nights, craving, tapping his fingers because he missed old habits that weren't his, looking at pictures of a lost life. There was one page, the last one, which caused him the most trouble because if Sakusa had written that, then maybe… maybe…

Why hope? What was there to hope for? Atsumu was stupid wanting to find relief in the fact that maybe Sakusa had forgiven him.

_Like the ocean_   
_a wave crushing over me_   
_burying me_   
_rushing back_   
_coming back again_   
_fleeting through my fingers_   
_I cannot hold him_

There was a note in the manuscript, the original words had been: I cannot hold you.

How odd to see that note in that manuscript. Sakusa was someone who would have re-written everything. He had always made notes on a separate sheet, which he had used as a bookmark.

Atsumu sat up abruptly as he understood. It was 4 am as he switched the light on, sat down at the kitchen table. He rummaged his bag for his note pad and then took out the letter Sakusa had sent him. As he checked the numbers and the pages and sentences that they should indicate, his initial excitement soon evaporated. It didn’t make any sense and a number was left over. He had only wanted them to make sense. He had only wanted for Sakusa to send him a secret message only he would understand because he still hoped that Sakusa could forgive him, that he still felt like Atsumu felt.

He stared at the numbers and felt angry and sad at the same time. Just like Sakusa apparently. Hadn’t he written that? Grief and anger. So close until they kill each other or something. What did that mean? What did any of this mean?

Atsumu sat at the table until the sun rose and the warmth made him feel exhausted and dizzy. He rested his head on the table and put his cheek onto the manuscript. He tried imagining Sakusa writing those poems. He had written them for therapy. Didn’t those poems reveal his feelings? They were honest and real, one could immediately tell that. It was difficult to imagine that Sakusa would write honestly like that when he knew that others would read those poems. But who would understand those poems but Atsumu? There were just short phrases and words thrown together like a puzzle, a riddle. Just words. Atsumu sat up.

He took the letter and looked at the numbers more closely. Sakusa wasn’t referring to pages and lines, there were groups of three numbers, indicating page, line and a word from that line. And only Atsumu knew the correct order of the pages.

Atsumu pulled the note pad closer and made a new table so he could decipher the code more easily. He hastily flipped through the manuscript as he began to write the words next to his crooked grid.

“You lied but so did I. We are even”, Atsumu read.

The words were painful but he felt a strange sense of calmness reading them. Anger and grief kiss each other until they kill each other. What followed was not the feeling of death but something like acceptance. Maybe he understood it now. Then he flipped through the pages of the manuscript hoping it had the words he needed to write a message back to Sakusa. With relief he found the words and wrote the coded message on a piece of paper. He put it into an envelope. His eyes were heavy and he was tired. He would not send it by post, he would deliver this himself.

He managed to get up and staggered into the bedroom where he collapsed onto the bed and finally slept. He slept until late afternoon when his phone rang and Bokuto asked him to come to headquarters because of a case.

“It’s my day off”, Atsumu murmured.

“Yeah”, Bokuto said.

He was bad at disguising his worry for Atsumu. He wanted Atsumu to come to work because of those poems.

“I’m fine”, Atsumu said and strangely, he found that it was true. He felt fine.

“I can’t come in today. I’ve got something to do”, Atsumu said.

“You’re not going to see Sakusa, are you?” Bokuto asked knowingly. Atsumu looked at the clock next to his bed.

“No”, he said. It was too late to drive there now.

“You know what the letter said, right? Those numbers”, Bokuto asked directly. Atsumu froze.

“We noticed that he made notes like that on his other book marks, he always wrote down numbers and obviously we can’t decipher it if we don’t know what book he is referring to, but you know, don’t you?”, Bokuto said.

Atsumu stared at the wall. Of course they would also figure that out. They had looked through all of Sakusa’s possessions.

“I – I don’t know”, Atsumu said.

“Wakatoshi is convinced that you know. He thinks you also understand the poems”, Bokuto said carefully. “Are you going to tell me what the letter said?” he asked when Atsumu said nothing.

Maybe it was better not to deliver any message to Sakusa, especially not the one he had written. He ran his fingers over the numbers that he had used for the message:

_I still love you._

“But I think you shouldn’t go and see him again”, Bokuto said.

“Do you?” Atsumu said coolly.

“Well, Wakatoshi thinks so. And he’s probably right. You always get super weird when there are news from Sakusa. You were in quite the state after you came back from your undercover mission. And you know, you don’t want to go and make a serial killer think that things are not settled between you two”, Bokuto said.

Atsumu hadn’t even thought about that. He had so desperately wanted Sakusa to know that he had really loved him and that he loved him still. Aside from his own selfish pain that their love would never stand a chance, he had somehow not even thought of Sakusa’s pain. He felt ashamed thinking of Sakusa crying during the interrogation as he heard that Atsumu had been with him for an undercover mission.

After he ended the call with Bokuto, he rewrote his message to Sakusa and struggled to decide whether he should send it or deliver it himself. He couldn’t see Sakusa again. It was better to draw a clear line. They were over and Sakusa had sent him a message so Atsumu could make peace with it. Now it was Atsumu’s turn. Raising false hope was not part of making peace with it. He wasn’t sure whether it was enough, whether it wouldn’t make things more difficult, more painful but he couldn’t bear the thought of Sakusa not knowing that his feelings had always been real. Was it selfish or kind to let Sakusa know that?

He watched the sun set and paint his bedroom walls red and golden. Then he gave in, called the psychiatric ward and arranged a meeting with Sakusa.

He put the phone down, stared at the clock and watched 7 PM come and go.

* * *

**Epilogue: Afterglow**

_~_

_Look how I met you,  
how hard it was  
I returned repeatedly to meet you again  
Don’t go, stay here and never let me go  
Please, breathe with me  
  
Please, take away my last breath  
The last glance, the last touch  
So I can leave you and not anyone else_

_\- Nell_

_~_

Just a few days later Atsumu was at the psychiatric facility for his meeting with Sakusa. Sakusa’s hair was even shorter than it had been last time. The curls framed his forehead nicely, however. He sat down across Atsumu.

“This conversation won’t be recorded, just so you know”, Atsumu said. Sakusa’s eyes flitted up to the security camera up in the corner.

“Are you sure about that?” Sakusa asked.

“Uh yeah, I specifically requested it”, Atsumu said.

“That’s not what I meant”, Sakusa interrupted him. Atsumu frowned.

“Are you sure you don’t want it recorded? I mean you’re in here alone with me, you didn’t bring a partner this time”, Sakusa said. There was a dangerous undertone in his voice. He was on guard, cautious.

“There are a few things I wanted to talk about with you. Things that, you know… no one should hear”, Atsumu said. Sakusa’s brows furrowed slightly.

“You said we’re even. So we can talk openly, can we not?” Atsumu asked. Sakusa’s eyes fell on the envelope in Atsumu’s hands.

“Congratulations on passing the sergeant exam”, Sakusa said without waiting for Atsumu to reveal what he wanted to talk about. Atsumu flinched. “How did you know?”

Sakusa looked back up at him. “I heard the guard address you as Sergeant Miya”, Sakusa said.

“Oh”.

They fell silent again. Atsumu put the envelope onto the table in front of Sakusa and Sakusa eyed it sceptically.

“Would you have told me?” Atsumu asked.

Sakusa had opened the enveloped with difficultly because his hands were cuffed and pulled out the piece of paper. His fingers ran slowly over the line of numbers.

“You said you’d tell me one day – long before we’re 80”, Atsumu said.

“You’re still here for a confession”, Sakusa said, not looking up. “Which one of you is true now?”

Atsumu was confused. Sakusa picked up the paper and held it up.

“This? Or the detective still wanting a confession?”, Sakusa said.

“You – you know what it says?” Atsumu asked, feeling heat creep up his neck. Sakusa put the paper back down. “Of course I do”.

Atsumu was glad that Sakusa looked back down at the paper. He had not expected Sakusa to understand the message right away.

“What is better in order to control people: fear or love?” Sakusa asked quietly. Atsumu jumped. “What?”

Sakusa looked up. “Love, obviously. People do the stupidest things for love”, he said.

A moment ago Atsumu had felt hot because Sakusa had understood his message, now his boiling blood seemed to have been replaced with ice.

“So, you really only used me… for what?” Atsumu asked.

Sakusa looked back down at the paper. “No”, Sakusa murmured after a long pause. “I didn’t use you for anything”.

Atsumu’s heartbeat picked up its pace at triple its usual speed.

“I went back to Tokyo because I hated travelling and it was exhausting to move constantly. When you turned up I thought that you were dangerous”, Sakusa said. “I thought you’d stay away like everyone else did once they realised that I didn’t want to be friends. But you didn’t. You kept coming back again and again”.

Atsumu said nothing, his fingers were digging into his legs to stop them from shaking.

“You weren’t put off or intimidated. Fear didn’t work. But I don’t make friends, so I wasn’t sure what to do. I could tell that you were cautious around me. So being friends wasn’t good enough. I thought I could read you. Single, just broken up with your girlfriend, very ready to prove yourself. But you had lied about that, right? Well, I told you I liked you and you ate it up. I had never thought it would be so easy to sway you. If I ever needed an alibi, it would be good to have a neighbour to tell the police that I was home all night. But way better to have someone contesting that I slept next to him all night”, Sakusa said.

“But you just said you didn’t want to use me”, Atsumu said confused but Sakusa didn’t answer.

Atsumu knew that Sakusa was avoiding eye contact because it was easy to tell when Sakusa’s words and his true feelings didn’t match up.

“You pretended to be scared so you could stay at my flat. You wanted to appear vulnerable and give me the feeling of protecting you,” Atsumu said when Sakusa remained silent. Sakusa’s brows contracted.

“Only”, Atsumu said as he saw that Sakusa’s cold and emotionless mask was crumbling.

“Only you were scared. You actually came to me because you were reminded of your parents’ murder when you thought that someone had broken into your flat”.

Sakusa shortly looked at him and Atsumu’s heart skipped a beat. Like a flame flickering he could see Sakusa’s real feelings appear and vanish in those black eyes.

“Your colleague was right”, Sakusa murmured. Atsumu frowned. “About what?”

“You got me”.

Atsumu opened his mouth but Sakusa had already continued.

“I pretended to like you and I was surprised how easy it was. It didn’t take long to realise that it came naturally because I was not pretending”, Sakusa said quietly.

Why did it hurt so much? Why was there no relief but only pain in hearing Sakusa tell him that he loved him, too, that it had been real?

“You got me”.

Sakusa lifted his hands and his fingers were trembling as he brushed over his eyes and forehead as if he had gotten into the habit of brushing his curls back. Only that his hair was so short now that there was nothing to brush back.

“I don’t even know why I thought it was a good idea to let you close. You irritated me and I told myself that’s all why you were on my mind constantly. At first I kept telling myself that a relationship could be of good use. But I didn’t even want to use it like that! I didn’t want an alibi. I didn’t want to – ever do it again.   
All the things you said, I started to believe it. That we could figure things out, maybe I could find something else instead and I thought I could be normal”, Sakusa said.

He said ‘normal’ with so much contempt that Atsumu flinched. “But you are normal – you’re not crazy, Omi”, he said softly.

Sakusa looked up and Atsumu leaned across the table. It took all effort not to kiss Sakusa because now he looked like the Sakusa Atsumu knew and loved. Sakusa looked at him for a long moment and then he smiled. It looked like an apology.

“I didn’t want to do it, you know. I had to. If I didn’t, I couldn’t sleep or eat. It drove me mad. It was always like that. It just got really bad last time because I usually didn’t put it off for that long. I had never really tried to fight it like I had when I was with you.   
The very first time it happened, I got scared. I was alone in a forest with a body. I couldn’t remember how I got there and what had happened. I wasn’t scared of what I had done but at how much it had calmed me down. So I cleaned up and thought it was done. It needn’t happen again. I thought it was a one-time thing.   
But I got restless again and again and again. It wouldn’t stop, no matter what I tried, so I stopped fighting it. But then I met you and I was fine… I was fine for so long. I thought it would never come back”, Sakusa said.

Atsumu shook his head. “No, Omi, stop”, he whispered.

“I killed those 13 people that you accused me of murdering, I’m afraid I don’t remember the details, however.” 

Sakusa paused for a long moment. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. Atsumu waited for Sakusa to continue but it seemed that he was done. He looked relieved.

“Omi, you know this conversation isn’t being recorded but I’m still a cop”, Atsumu said.

“I know. I’ll be in here for the rest of my life, you know my sentence. Once the 10 years are up they will still keep me because – because… It doesn’t matter whether I confess or not”, Sakusa said quietly and opened his eyes.

Atsumu wanted to say that it made all the difference because his confession could get the case re-opened, could change his sentence to capital punishment. But of course, only if Atsumu ever told anyone what Sakusa had just said. Sakusa didn't seem to realise the immense weight he had just put on Atsumu.

“But like I said, I would tell you all about it one day… long before we’re 80”.

Sakusa looked back at the paper and Atsumu slowly breathed out. This would be their last secret and he would not share it with anyone. This time, no one would wade through their memories like evidence. 

“I still mean it. No matter what you did”, Atsumu said. Sakusa looked up abruptly, his lips twitched when he saw that Atsumu was also looking at his coded message.

“I really wish you didn’t. You shouldn’t”.

\- “Can’t help it.”

Sakusa picked up the message and his thumb rested on the last part of the message. Atsumu felt a wild mix of joy and sadness when he saw the hint of a smile on Sakusa's lips.

“I really never wanted to – to do that to you”, Sakusa said.

“Yeah, I know”, Atsumu said lightly.

He could see Sakusa’s lips move just barely as he mouthed the words that those numbers stood for.

_I never lied about loving you._

They looked at each other and Atsumu wondered for how long he could sit there and just look at him. Until he had memorised every strand of hair, every eyelash, line and feature of his face.

Sakusa tilted his head. The look in his eyes was soft and for that moment they could pretend that they were sitting on a soft sofa in Sakusa’s flat with the TV in the background and they were neighbours and lovers, only this time it was real from the beginning on.

He could feel Sakusa’s fingertips touch his just barely across the table and it felt more like a kiss than just their hands touching. As he opened his hand to interlace their fingers, Atsumu thought he would always wait for 7 PM, for 8 PM and for the leaves to turn red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you if you stuck around until the end! Thank you for leaving kudos and comments, I cannot put into words how excited I get every time I see a new comment.  
> I hope you enjoyed my story!
> 
> The title and the little quote from the epilogue are from the song Afterglow by Nell. My best friend recommened it to me for this last chapter. It is such a wonderful song and I've listened to it on repeat while working on the last chapters.  
> If you're interested definitely give it a listen and read the lyrics for the full experience T_T
> 
> I have a bunch of new Sakuatsu stories and ideas that I hope to upload soon! I might talk more about that on twitter (@red__camellia_)
> 
> I wish you Happy Holidays in case you're celebrating, if not, I wish you a Happy Winter. Stay safe and healthy <3


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